The Bitch's Mental Reservation

In Search of Happiness

2011-08-23T13:39:00.000-07:00

I have always believed that Happiness is a Choice. It is a mindset I have lived by through the years, until one day a friend challenged this thought.

She said, if it is a choice then does that mean if we do not get what we want, if we find ourselves failing should we still choose to say we are happy? Isn't that mindset kind of a lie to oneself? We constantly tell ourselves we're happy with life when in truth, we just aren't? It really got me thinking....

It has been a while since that talk happened, yet for the last couple of months I have tried to understand what really makes us happy. What will make me happy?

It occurred to me that most of us define happiness based on conformity. We conform with society's definition of happiness: status symbol, vanity, reputation, acceptance, career, money - all of which are superficial.

If you think about it, we are still making a choice. We have conditioned ourselves to be happy if all these are achieved. But what if we turn things around? Why not be happy not with what we want, not with what society or media tells us. Just be happy, and find joy from within?

I have wanted and wanted more from life, people, things that I just can't have. It has led me to do things that I regret doing. I have gotten a piece of happiness, but at what expense? Pain and guilt. My "so called happiness" never really lasted a while.

Sometimes, we need to be responsible adults, and learn to sacrifice what we want so we can do what is right.

It gives us peace, a clearer perspective. And as we look at the horizon, then we can see the true and lasting joy we have all been searching for.

When I learned to let go of all these "wants", then I realized, I have everything I need.

My body, nourished. My soul, with strong faith. My heart, full of love.

It is beyond the tangible things, it is more than what meets the eyes.

It is you, knowing what's within. Your self-awareness.

I wish you find real joy, the true meaning of your own happiness.

As for me... I already did. :)

.

Lessons Learned from the People I love in Teletech (I will miss you all!)

2010-06-09T18:08:00.000-07:00

I'd take this opportunity to show my appreciation to the people I have found, to those whom I have held a great relationship with while working here in Teletech. Thank you is never enough in exchange for all the valuable lessons learned.

So, in parting, let me pass on the things I have acquired from the people I have loved dearly here in Teletech: my colleagues, my friends and my trainees... here are the things I have unraveled
and realized during my journey here with all of you.

Here it goes:

- Seek for your real gift and hone it, and if you are getting good at something else, you still have to come back and use your gift. You do who you are, not you are what you do. Never take your gift for granted, coz if you do, you betray it. You betray yourself. So dig deep, find that innate gift of yours and be confident enough to use it.

- Never be afraid of failure, of rejection, or mistakes. It is a reality of life. You really can't recognize the right one unless you get to know the wrong ones. Do not limit yourselves once you fail. It doesn't mean it is not for you. That's bullshit you know. Maybe it's not the right time, maybe you don't have enough power or skill, maybe you don't have enough knowledge as of yet, but never think that it is not meant for you. You try again, if it doesn't work, you wait and while you're at it, make good use of yourselves. Learn a new skill; increase your power by learning. Our mind is like a muscle. You have to work it out. A new information, gives you a new choice. A new idea gives you a new muscle, and those muscles will arm you towards success. If all these won’t work then you start praying, and pray harder.

- Positive is good, but reality bites, so be ready for anything that could hurt. Never let the pain put you down, chain you on a pole. Abraham Lincoln once said, "Once you familiarize yourself from the chain of bondage, you are preparing your limbs to wear them."
Trust me, you don't want to wear chains all your life, it's certainly not fashionable!

- Dreams are good. Dream big, so they say. However, dreams are for those who sleep a lot. Dreams happen and materialize when we are asleep. You have to make it real. So wake up and act it out. Make your dreams your goal, and do something to achieve it. You do, you fail, you learn, you win. Whatever the outcome is, you have to be awake to make it happen. Win, lose or try again... that is the essence of living. Live and keep yourself up to make your dreams come true.

- Love… a word difficult to define, it’s a breath a fresh air, but somehow it gives your heart a constricted feeling. Love is like wind, you can see it but you feel it. I don’t mean to sound like a hopeless romantic, but indeed I am. Really, I tried to make myself sound logical in explaining this, but I guess I have to quit trying. After all the thought and over-thought, after defining and redefining, I have obtained this fact: Beneath all of the pain, there exists an unbroken place where boundless joy is possible and all wounds heal. Love is a safe place to rest a heart and soul. Love is common to all of us, and yet, it is impossible to explain. Love is our intangible and inexplicable common denominator.

- Laugh. That, I must say, is the best of it all. Laughter is the shock absorber that eases the blows of life. It is the spark of our spirit. And as for me, if I ever stop laughing, I guess I am dead. Laugh as much as you breathe and love as long as you live.

With immense pain and pleasure, I cherish every step of the way I took in this company, and indeed the people around me enriched my lost soul. But now I believe I am somewhat equipped to take on a new chapter, it's time to improve my life. I am praying that I have chosen the right path. I am taking the risk.

Thank you for giving me the chance to learn all of this.
Thank you for making me see how it is to truly live.
Thank you for loving me and for making me love.
Thank you for making me laugh and for laughing with me.

Our lives have crossed paths and for sure it will happen again sometime. Again, thank you for a year and a half well lived and spent here in Teletech. I will miss you guys. See you around.

Learn. Live. Love. Laugh.

Fracture

2010-06-03T06:18:00.000-07:00

Do you dare to stay out?
Do you dare to go in?
How much can you lose?
How much can you win?
And if you go in,
Should you turn left or right?
Or right and three quarters?
Or maybe not quite?

You can get so confused,
That you'll start in to race...
Down long wiggled roads
At a neck-breaking pace,
And grind for miles
Across weirdish wild place.
Headed I fear,
To a most useless place...

The waiting place.
For people just waiting.
Waiting for the train to go,
Or the bus to come.
Waiting for the plane to go,
Or the mail to come.
Or the rain to go,
Or the phone to ring,
Or for the snow to snow,
Or waiting around for a yes or no,
Or a string of pearls,
Or a pair of pants,
Or a wig with curls,
Or another chance.

- from "Oh, the Places You'll Go!" by Dr. Seuss

Numb

2010-06-01T09:14:00.000-07:00

I am a person run by my emotions rather than my brain.
I never expected it would all come to this.
I do not feel anything at all.
Has it really been a numbing pain and sadness?
Has it been ecstasy and negligence?
Or did I just grow tired of feeling?

Now, all it is to me is that - we live, we die,
And the wheels of the bus go round and round.
I am the passenger, stupefied behind the clear window pane.

I keep myself awake. I keep my eyes open.
I want to see the life in my dreams,
But there... where it is supposed to be...
The life of my reality.
I want to close my eyes, hold my breath and jump in,
But will there be a soft cushion to catch me?
I guess I don't need any catching,
I've grown out of the pain that shall come against me.

I thought not hurting can be so liberating.
It is not.
It is freezing. It is cold. I am dead.
My heart...still sore.
Joy hid itself some place I can't walk by.
Fear fled, scattered like a whore.
And my passion ran out of flame as I smoke my last cigar.

I want to close my eyes and jump off.
I want to close my eyes
And let the waters take me to the stream of hope.
And if I am dead,
I want my feelings all kept to myself.
I will hide it away with all the words left unspoken,
With all the things left undone between us.
And in my death,
I want my eyes close and my heart open.

For Mommy Sheila and I bet everyone she has touched would agree with me....

2010-05-27T06:48:00.000-07:00

Hi mommy shiela,

I feel so bad I didn't have the chance to say goodbye or see you soon, but this letter isn't really about goodbye's. It's more of letting you know how much I appreciate you and making you aware how big of a blessing you are to me.

I normally don't meet someone as unique as you are, seemingly perfect... I always tease you about "you and your perfect life", and it's something you should be really thankful for. I thank God for making me meet someone who might seem a little crazy on the outside but very inspiring as I dig deep in the inside. I know you go through a lot too, and I know you've been through tough times. I am happy I have met you at your most stable state of mind. Hehehe... it would've been chaotic if we talked at the time you were as deranged as I am. =)

Seriously mommy sheila, if there is a greater word than thank you, I would've used it now. You, among all the friends I have gave me the sanest advice ever. Advice, that normally I wouldn't really want to hear because it is right and non-conforming to our twisted standards. Even if it was against the flow, I really appreciate it because you gave me a different picture of how I want to view my life. You have that gift. You are so fortunate to be so courageous to be right and make me... us... realize that there are things we do wrong and we have to stick to what we really have.

I admire you for being right, at the same time not judgemental. You know I haven't been the most behaved girl in town. I bet you'd say that I could be the most mentally ill-functioning person you've ever met, but you loved me and you took care of me under your motherly wings. You were just there, listening to every twisted thought I had and you never told me that I'd go to hell, or I deserve every piece of crap I am experiencing.

You were just there to listen and told me what is right, without forcing it on me. I admire you because you see things differently, and I thought I was positive enough, but no... you are the epitome of positive. Sometimes I thought, you are the one who's living in a fantasy. Sometimes I thought, you have your own fantasyland. But I figured, you made it possible for you because you are strong. It must take a lot to be at that state of mind. I hope, I'd meet even half of that disposition of yours. I hope I'm not yet a lunatic by then... well I guess I'm inborn crazy, but still... I thank you for being my mommy sheila. You are just the right person I needed to talk to especially when I don't have any sane person to speak with. You know I'm surrounded by a bunch of freaks. =)

I am lucky to have you singled out at your most lucid moments... hehehe, coz I know deep down you're as crazy as I am too. Thank you for being sane for me, at the time I needed it most.

If there's one thing I learned from you, and will stay on with me for the rest of my life, that would be to count the positive things that happen in my life. Cliche as it may seem, but you are the only living person I know who lived this rule by heart.

I love you mommy sheila, I'll see you soon. Keep in touch.

Mirror in Your Eyes

2010-05-24T06:11:00.000-07:00

I keep on dying again.
I am not sure if I'm changing or if I am fading away.
I need to find my soul a home.
I keep on dancing in my dreams,
Dancing until I am almost at the edge of a cliff.

The wind blew against my face,
My hair free flowing, as you touch my skin.
My hands reaching at the stars out of reach.
A foot of mine, suspended on air
Ready to fall, ready to fail.
At the cost of your love, was I not brave?

I say, I don't want to dream any longer.
I will runaway from sleep.
I say, I am willing to take a leap.
I want to live a real life.
In time, I don't have to remind myself, I have to breathe.
And so I keep on dying because I love to live.

I had it great and perfect for a while.
And I want it to remain to last for a lifetime.
If by chance I find you again, it will be beautiful.
I need to see those eyes one more time,
Because in those eyes I caught a glimpse of my future.
I noticed just when the light was right,
It reminded me twice that I was alive.
It reminded me it was so worth the fight.

Thoughts in the Gas Chamber

2010-05-20T13:44:00.000-07:00

Lately i enjoy smoking alone, observing people in the smoking area while all of us in that room have one common thought unconsciously running in our heads - to slowly kill ourselves with the comfort of the mentholated smoke that seeps down through our veins. Surprisingly, that small gas chamber of ours has been a tunnel of light for me coz that is where I ponder about my life and its perplexities. Along with the smoke, I look at it and try to figure out where the smoke and my life is headed to. Will it be just like the smoke, vanish and quickly pass out of sight? Or will it leave a stain, just as how nicotine would eventually stick to my fingernails. What an ugly sight! Maybe I really have to stop smoking... spare me the thought! =)

At some point I'd say, I am lost. Well I guess everyone thinks that way, so I guess I'm not alone. We are wandering souls. That fact is a comforting thought.

I guess I am a little frustrated. Yeah... guess... guess... guess... like I said, lost and uncertain. I just thought I had myself made. I thought I had me all figured out. I have a year projection of my life. I even made a feasibility study of myself to see how efficient and productive my existence will be. I know I have mastered how I will live my life and it was well planned out. Only to realize that changes happen, and that includes my current disposition in life.

It's funny coz the more I reflect, the more I think, the more I put focus on where my direction should be, the road gets narrower and the trail gets fainter. It feels like, the things I have known about, all the self-help books, the poetries, the quotes, the lessons learned... they all seem to float in my thoughts and in my dreams. And when I stop thinking, the unknown scares me.

And I know I am a smart woman - I hate to brag but I know this by heart =). But I guess no matter how clever you are, it's hard to cheat life. I can never run away and pretend I am okay. I guess I am good in convincing others that the smile is genuine, the laughter is heart-felt. In reality, everything is another face in a forlorn phase of my existence.

***Yuck emo! =) It's a well deserved emo moment. Errr...
.

Reason, Season, Lifetime

2010-04-22T12:08:00.000-07:00

People
come into your life for a reason, a season or a
lifetime..

When you know which one it
is, you will know what to do for that
person.

When someone is in your life for a
REASON, it is usually to meet a need
you have
expressed.

They have come to assist you
through a difficulty, to provide you with
guidance and support.
To aid you physically, emotionally or spiritually.
They may seem like a godsend and they are.
They are there for the reason you need them to be.

Then at an inconvenient time, this person will say or do
something to bring the relationship to an end.

Sometimes they die. Sometimes
they walk away.
Sometimes they act up
and force you to take a stand.

What we must realize is that our need has been met, our desire fulfilled, their work is done.
The prayer you sent up has been answered
and now it is time to move on.
Some people come into your life for a SEASON, because
your turn has come to share, grow or learn.

They bring you an experience of peace or make you laugh.
They may teach you something you have never done.
They usually give you an unbelievable amount of joy.

Believe it, it is real. But only for a
season.

LIFETIME relationships teach you lifetime lessons,
things you must build upon in order to
have a solid emotional foundation.

Your job is to accept the lesson.

Love the person and put what you have
learned to use in all other relationships and areas of your life.

It is said that love
is blind but friendship is
clairvoyant.

Thank
you for being a part of my life,

whether
you were a reason, a season or a
lifetime.

-unknown

For Bea "my apo" Calantuan

2010-04-06T07:39:00.000-07:00

Bea, these days we have gone through a lot. I think ever since you, rocky and I have been friends, we have been through tough times. The beauty of that is we stick to each other kahit na nakakasuka na ung moments na masaya tayo at nakakamatay na ung days na malungkot tau - thus the Tides team and Starbucks moments came to be. I cherish those days and I am always at my happiest state of mind when the 3 of us are together. Looking at your photo now makes me miss you. I am proud of you because even if you are the youngest among the 3 of us, you have been always mature, ready to listen and ready to understand. You have showed so much passion for work and for that I know you will succeed wherever you are. Your parents must be proud to have a beautiful and intelligent daughter as you are. As for me, I owe God so much for giving me a best friend like you and Rocky. Having the two of you in my life is more than enough... enough trouble, enough fun and enough love. Kung pwede lang na tayong tatlo ang bumuo ng pamilya at mag-anak... why not? Pero lason yun... hehehe.

We have reached a turning point in our lives. Things that happened to us, are signs that we must move forward to a brighter future. You are lucky to have that opportunity, so go and make Hawaii a success. Happiness is a choice as I always say. So choose to be happy... in Hawaii... with your family. At the end of the day, our families will give us the love we need...the love we fail to get from someone else, but don't forget that Rocky and I love you as well. We love you and we want you to be at the best position ever. Hawaii is a great place to show off your tattoo =). You remember when I told you, you look hot as a surfer chick? Go and be like that... if it's work you're worried about... with your potential, I don't think you'll have a hard time there. You are so brilliant, you can be a success anywhere.

Thank you for being my best friend. I am sad that your leaving, but I am happy because I know you will be at your best there. We have been in our comfort zone for too long and we forget that the comfort zone becomes a danger zone eventually. So we have to step up a little bit, feel a little discomfort because happiness and success are never easy to get. I believe in you, you'll carry this with a beautiful face as always. Basta... stop being stubborn. Pag galit ka... learn to listen and stop talking. You know how hurtful you can get. =)

Have fun there... there's always facebook anyway. Promise to keep in touch ha. Distance will never take our friendship away. I love you apo. (all tears and smile)

NOW

2010-04-02T10:33:00.000-07:00

Why don't we just focus on "now"?
Now is the time we can make things right.
The past had been painful,
And the future a little vague
So I'd say, let's work things out now.

Yesterday is hard to forget.
Tomorrow is difficult to paint.
All we have is today.
Life is too short, they say.
So let's make a moment each day.

No bad memories to recall, no promises, no expectations at all
Just you and me today... just now...
Let me take your breath away.
And if tomorrow will come our way,
Then it is another chance,
For another now to make you stay.

...because I thought it was Unconditional

2010-03-26T01:32:00.000-07:00

When you said forever, you meant a few months.
When I said forever, I meant every day until I died.
When you said always, you meant until you couldn't handle it anymore.
When I said always, I meant until the end of time.
When you said you loved me, you meant until I don't cause you any pain... as long as I don't hurt you.
When I said I love you, I meant I would cherish every minute of my life with you.
And even if you hurt me countlessly,
I would endure the pain because no amount of pain can ever kick off the joy I have in my heart when I am with YOU.

Lost in a Dance

2009-08-13T05:27:00.000-07:00

I want to dance.

I want to be caught dancing my heart out,

Grooving crazily and carelessly.

I want to get lost in the middle of the dance floor.

I want to twist and turn until my feet get sore.

I want to get lost until you find me and bring me home.

A Reckless Fall

2009-07-14T11:24:00.000-07:00

A lot of times I tend to do a lot of stupid things in my life.

If there's one thing I hate about it, that is getting stupid and I have it all there right in front of my goddamn-sick face.

I hate to say I was foolish to be so relentless... and there I was in front of the mirror seeing how senseless I have been.
My heart and pride was stripped off and you can blame that on my self-absorbed being.
I had a taste of ice-cold water splashed on my face in the midst of my wasted demeanor.

I don't know if I regret it, but I somehow feel shameful of how things had been.
What can I do? I guess that's really me.... reckless.
At my age, they'd say I better shape up and find the mold where I'd fit in right.

It's not easy to find.

I am still the same lost, impulsive and reckless girl I have always been.
It's quite difficult to change.
I'd normally jump even if I know what I want is on the other side of a broken bridge.
I normally don't get wounded when I do that.

Until that day, I jumped and I wasn't even lucky enough to reach the cliff.

I am a half-witted girl, crazy to try my luck.

I don't always win.

I don't always get what I want.

And it had to be him who made me realize that.

For Jeng and Ana... (whattahell!?! bitches that's what you are... the audacity to leave me just like that!?!)

2009-07-14T04:30:00.000-07:00

I wish to be a child again because everything is so goddamn simple.

The independence I have sought from years back, I can easily throw away, as long as you give me back my blissfull and carefree childhood.

When you're a kid, you gain friends easily. You're not afraid to trust. If ever you fight with someone, a few candies after... you're all bestfriends again. It's not like that when you're all grown up.

What's the point of my blabbering?

Well, I just never learn I guess, that when we grow older - adults- that's what they call it, we can't really stick to a certain friend for a very long time. Sometimes it's difficult to find a real one, especially in the world where competition and deception is rampant.

I'd like to think that I don't have a hard time getting along with people, but it's hard for me to give my trust to someone. To find someone I can talk to and understand how my dirty mind works is like winning the lottery.

I can say I have won heaven's lottery for I have found real friends who never judged me no matter how twisted I could get. It saddens me though, because just like cash, I think I am running out of it.

It's sad that in the "adult world" nothing is permanent, and things change drastically. If there is one thing I can't keep up with is - winning a friend to trust and losing them in a blink of an eye.

I miss Jeng and Ana. I couldn't share much of myself now since you girls have left, but I'm carrying on.

Thanks for understanding how complicated I am, thanks for not judging how weird I could be sometimes.

Thanks for keeping my secrets and for protecting me all the time.

Love you gurls! =)

Hanging

2009-07-11T05:18:00.000-07:00

... And so I finally tried to write a piece of my mind here. I know I shouldn't start my sentence with "and" & ellipsis, but I am lost and I can't go back through the GEM course no more. I guess for the past few months I was wandering. Until now, I coudn't get myself into one whole piece. I feel like I don't know myself anymore.

I have never felt so empowered in my life.

This power, so it seems, took me to a place where I suddenly lost my control. I tried to grab every strand of my sanity but I just can't get hold of it. Weakness and has been all over me. It's ironic, I know, and it has never been this confusing.

You know how it is when you kinda have drawn the path you want to take, but somewhere down the line somebody would lure you to take a path- a lot more fun and exciting compared to the road you're taking, yet so hazy you can't see where you're going too?

The journey I take now is somewhat like crossing a hanging bridge, when you're high on coke.

I couldn't choose if it's uncertainty or certainty that I want. If it's security or risk that I long for.
Should I jump or should I continue my shakey journey across the bridge?

It's painful sometimes to carry a cheerful face, to keep on putting a smile when what's inside you is hollow and slowly dying. It's difficult to remain positive and happy when you don't know what it is you should be happy about.

I stare at my monitor, typing-deleting-typing then deleting-typing again. I see my reflection, and in my eyes I see vast emptiness.

Then I see me...

I see myself lonely.

... and that freakin' scares me.

In love with my job...

2008-12-23T21:24:00.000-08:00

I can't believe that it has been 2 months since I last visited my blog site. I couldn't live a day without visiting this before. I guess my new job took my first love away, or should I say it took me away from it.

So many things happened the past 2 months. I have handled 4 training classes in total and I'm now assigned in Sta. Rosa, Laguna, trying to widen the scope of my experience and connections by meeting new people and handling an Australian account.

I'd say I am happy where I am now. It has been 2 months and yes I miss a lot of privileges from IBM, but I must say... 3 and half years of working as a trainer... this is the only time I felt so fulfilled in my career.

There's more to tell... I'll try to catch up. I'll just pick some photos and I'll tell you about my first training class. =)

Wave 8.1 - Photoshoot

2008-10-29T01:39:00.000-07:00

It's been quite a while, I guess my work is eating up most of my time and energy. But why do I care? I'm having the time of my life!

I just had my 1st batch of trainees last Monday, and I must say, these bunch of retards here are becoming the point of comparison, the benchmark of a fun filled training.

Well, just to keep this updated, as promised here are the photos of Wave 8.1 trainees.

So here they are, the benchmarks... huh?! The Sleepers!

This is the Arab guy who said, "If the shoe fits, put it on!"

Brother Jo

Betco and Brother Jo

"Jipprey" and our staple crush- Randy

The ladies and the pseudo-ladies of Wave 8.1

The perverted boys...

And of course the pretty Accent and Conversational English trainers... Jeng and yours truly. =)

WAVE 8.1 - "Bunch of Retards"

2008-10-23T01:57:00.001-07:00

Wow, time flies so fast... I'm now past my 2nd week in my new company and things are better.

For my first 2 weeks here, I sat in Jeng's class for Wave 8.1, I must say they are a group of smart people, with intense sense of humor, uniquely strong personality and just to quote Jeng's description of them... "bunch of retards".

It felt like I was surrounded with actors and actress, each has a distinct personality that you will remember even after month's of not seeing them. Even the people who did not talk as much in this class were as interesting as the talkative group.

It was overwhelming to see a group of trainees who can all talk good English and are very comfortable speaking it. I'd say for this class, if not all, 95% of them are above par. It was not easy co-facilitating a class like them. Jeng was out for a few days and it was difficult because I was not prepared. I thought to myself, since they are that good, they might be difficult on me. Thank God they were not. In fact they are all well-behaved, but there are hyper trainees who are pretty much tolerable and you'd like them because they're smart and they talk with sense.

I am totally attached to this group. Probably because they were the first few people I became friends with, since we all started on the same day. Actually, it is harder hanging out with them than training them because they are uncontrollable freaks... hahaha!

It's either you hate 'em or love them. For me it's both ways! =)

Wait for the pictures! =) I'll upload them soon.

Choices

2008-10-10T22:50:00.006-07:00

Yipee! I survived 1 week! It isn't so bad after all, but I must say, I really miss the people I used to work with.

You know the most popular cliche for Filipinos? It goes, "Malalaman mo lang na importante ang isang bagay sayo kapag nawala na ito." I guess that's how I feel at some point. There is no day I don't magnify the difference between where I used to work and where I work now. But at the end of the day, I realize comparing will not really do me good. It's true, people are a lot happier and accomodating from where I came from, but the people I am with are nice as well. I guess I just need to start overhauling myself.

Things will not necesarilly go my way all the time, but I sure can handle if what happens to my life goes in a different direction.

Hmmm... self-assurance?

Yeah, there are days I ask myself, did I make the right decision?

If I had not made this decision, I'd still be comfortably happy.

I don't want to be comfortable all the time at work. Challenge is a necessity for the brain to avoid getting dull, that's why sometimes, comfort zones are danger zones.

So I guess the answer to my question if I made the right choice....

I will make it right.

Undergoing MyBlogLog Verification

Out of My Comfort Zone

2008-10-06T18:08:00.001-07:00

Last night was my first day of work at Teletech Bacoor. It's a good thing I brought my handy-dandy notebook, while waiting for my soon to be supervisor I was doodling away inside the pantry. It's a very cozy pantry. A lot better than the one we had in IBM. It looks like Starbucks, even the tables, couches and the tables are like those of a comfy coffee shop. Their resident concessionaire is Country Style - which reminded me of Charlottie, coz she loves Country Style donuts. It was very nice. More decent I must say. But what if you get tired of Country Style's donuts? No more options....

Still waiting.... I roamed my eyes around the area, and checked the bulletin boards. Announcements, parties, and I'd say they're very organized. Even the letters you receive, they track it and post it so you can easily see.

Suddenly I felt nauseous... not with disgust but beause my heart felt like throwing itself out of my chest. My feet were cold and my hands were like water fountain wet because of anxiousness.
I still have time to back out!

But I didn't.

It's such a familiar feeling, my fear of not blending in. I wasn't really the"unpopular kid" at school, but it always comes to mind that at some point in my life I will be a doormat. I don't want that to happen. Then I realized, I'm not so good in mingling with ohers. I mean I have lots of friends, but these people I met were as clueless as I was. Freshmen, first job, fresh wave. I remembered, I did not do so well in my law and history classes because I was with a different block. I never had friends there.

Questions start pouring in. Is this worth it? Should I be really seated here? I was tempted to stand up and go.

I didn't.

Leaving my comfort zone in IBM is the toughest decision I've ever made. I don't know what's waiting for me here, until my soon to be supervisor came and gave me a tour of the site. I was confused until I saw their incredible pantry which looked like a bar, a sleeping room with double-deck beds (can you imagine, real beds with no couples making out!) and a game room and DVD room with a wide screen, nice couch and movies to watch.

So much for comfort! Until I reached the training suite.... there I saw my future. Work... work... work... and no blog, no facebook, no YM and other internet stuff. Ooooh.... yeah.

Paradigm shift.

I survived my first day with overflowing assessments online. I was so full of it, I didn't wanna touch my pc when I got home.

Hopefully tomorrow is a brand new day to survive.

Thank You and Have A Nice Life

2008-10-03T05:02:00.003-07:00

In my 3 years and 6 months of stay here in IBM, I never thought I will send my share of goodbye letter. I never thought it would be this hard. So I guess instead of saying goodbye, I’ll just thank everyone in this company who made my stay here worth it.

To my trainers, Pia de Ungria, Rowena Banda, my lss Maricris Jimenez, thank you for being such good mentors and motivators. Being an agent as a first job is really difficult, but you did a great job in pushing me to work harder and in helping me find the right motivation in me.

To my former team, KANSAS, I’d still say we are the best team in Sprint. To my tl Marilou Dabo-Rosuelo, I don’t think I’ll ever find a supervisor as good as you. You molded us, encouraged us despite our weaknesses and indeed you helped us grow in this company.

To all my friends here, especially the VA new hire trainers, with you I have shared a unique camaraderie which I hope will continue in the years to come even though I shall not be here with the company.

To Jerome Ora, you have been my supervisor for the longest time. You were there with me in every happy and devastating moments of my life. Siguro pwede mo na akong igawa ng talambuhay, sa dami ng pinagdaanan ko na nandun ka. I thank you for everything, you helped me keep my sanity during the time I felt so lost. And for that I consider you one of my true friends here in IBM.

To Kristian Cabrera, Rajah Singh, Jon Juliano, Briggs Baritugo, thank you for welcoming VAPS to your team. Though I felt at some point, handling our team was a challenge; I'd say you did a great job because our team learned a lot, especially me. I hope my dreams for VAPS will come true eventually. I have no doubt about that, because the team is in good hands. I have been extremely satisfied with my work here at IBM, working under your guidance has been a learning and an enjoyable experience. I thank you for your support and encouragement during these 3 and half years. I’ll bring with me all the lessons I've learned from each of you and the mantra of a trainer will always be with me, "Be a guide on the side, not a sage on the stage" (hope I got that right! har!)

And of course, to the VAPS trainers, it took me a long time to write this because I couldn't fight the tears. For 3 long years I have been with VAPS, from the very first batch of VAPS trainers up to the newest faces of VAPS, I couldn't contain the emotion I have right now. This team, I consider my family… I can't seem to say goodbye.

Thank you for putting up with me despite my tantrums, my bitchiness, and my craziness. It feels so painful to leave the team that gave me so much comfort for 3 years. I know minsan hindi ako mabait, pero sobrang mahal ko kayo. (Corneeee!) Take care of our team.Kahit minsan di tayo magkakasundo, this is our little family here in IBM, so ingatan nio.

Tatagalugin ko na ang mga bilin ko, di nio na naman ako mabibigyan ng EOP ticket eh. Hehehe!

Jet and Judith, take charge. Follow Jon and be good leaders to the team. Kung kailangan hagupitin ung di sumusunod... hagupitin! Kung ayaw parin, text nio lang ako.... itatapon ko mug nila! =) Jet, sa kasal mo invited parin ako ha. Judith sa birthday din ni Zoe ha.

JJ and Babbitt, alam nio na ang gusto ko sabihin.... sa inyo kadalasan nakasalalay ang phonetime! =) JJ, wag ka mag-alala, kakanta parin ako sa kasal mo. Babbitt, be wise on your decisions. Sometimes go for the mind over heart.

Baby Tynn, wag lagi galit pag nag-eexplain ok. Salamat at pinatikim mo ako ng chicken nuggets sa kauna-unahang pagkakataon ng buhay ko. Narealize ko, di pala lahat ng sinasabi ng mga nanay totoo.

JP - wag mo maxado pahirapan sa Web time modification si Gene ha, basahin mo ang mga email at wag i-delete without reading para di mo akalain na ang mga training schedule eh sa gabi instead na umaga.

Mike - magsalita paminsan minsan para di ma-misinterpret ng nasa mga tao paligid. Assert yourself.

Gene – pasenxa na sa mga modifications. J I’ll miss you sobra! I will miss our salon bonding and food tripping. But we will still do that okay.

Basta sa buong VAPS team, old and new batch. I don’t think I’ll ever find a department as crazy as ours. I love you guys!

I am bidding adieu today to this company to pursue other career opportunities. As I move on, I would like to take a moment to remember and cherish our times together. It's been great interacting and knowing each one of you. Even though I will miss you all here I am looking forward to this new challenge and to start a new phase of my career.

To IBM Daksh, thank you for all the lessons learned, for all the opportunities and for making me feel that this company is my second home.

God bless everyone. Have a nice life! =)

Strength in Despair

2008-09-29T17:27:00.007-07:00

Dear God,

They say in times of trouble, count your blessings and thank You no matter how small those blessings are. I am in a tough situation, I am nearing desperation but I still want to take time to thank You.

Thank you for my husband, Gerald. He, I think, is the best companion a woman can ever have. Despite what we are going through, he can still make me laugh and he makes me forget the problems we are facing. Marriage is so much easier with him.

Thank you for my son, Joaqui. My adorable son, who alleviates all the pain and the stress I am dealing with. His smile alone makes me feel heaven.

Thank you for keeping us healthy especially Joaqui. I'd be shattered if my son gets sick.

Thank you for my job, no matter how sickening it can be sometimes. Thank you for the new job I'd be taking next week. Looking for a good company to work for is tough already, but I made it!

Thanks for giving me friends. Friends who can laugh with me and laugh at me without judging me. Thanks for making them real.

Thanks for giving me life, even if sometimes I want to end it, I still think living in this world is something to be cherished.

Thanks for the strength. Day by day, I struggle. Each morning I wake up contending strenuously with problems. Problems that left me with my dignity down the drain.

Sometimes I get tired of going forward, expending great energy but no matter what I do I can't seem to find the answers to my problems. But You have been there to hold my hand to keep me strong and still smiling.

But today, I feel weak. I feel that I am losing my faith but then I realize if I stop holding on to You, then where can I hold on to. I cannot make myself fall. I know You will not make me fall.

I implore to you Lord, reach out to me and hear my plead. It feels like I am holding on to a cliff and slowly my fingers are drifting off, each finger lifted up from where I am hanging to. I don't know until when I can hang on.

I don't want to give up.

Finally... my resignation letter

2008-09-22T23:48:00.009-07:00

***sniff...sniff...sigh***

Dear Jon,

I am writing to you today to officially tender my resignation from IBM Daksh effective on Wednesday, October 8, 2008.

I never thought I would ever leave a great company such as IBM, but when the opportunity arose to work as a VA new hire trainer in a company which is in my hometown, which you know has always been a life long dream for me, I simply had to take advantage of it.

I cannot say enough wonderful things about IBM, about all the people I’ve encountered in my years of service with the company, and especially about you, Boss Briggs, my past supervisors and all the others in VAPS. Your leadership has taken us all to a new level. I appreciate your patience and the effort in providing the team a better learning experience. While I miss my friends and colleagues here at IBM, I feel that it is time to face a new challenge.

Working for IBM is truly a superb experience. I could not ask for a better group of colleagues. I have grown in many ways here. I will always treasure the opportunities provided for me by this company and wherever I go, I will always carry the values of a true IBMer.

If you have questions, please feel free to ask. Thanks again for everything.

Sincerely,
Dale

So this it...

2008-09-22T00:08:00.005-07:00

I am staring blankly at my pc... still constructing the resignation letter I will give my manager tonight.
Yeah it has to be short, well-mannared and not so emotional.
Oh yes I am emotional at this point! Whenever I try writing my resignation letter, my head gives me words that sound like I'm breaking up with my boyfriend. Indeed it feels like that. Almost 4 years of comfort under my company's safe wings.
Okay, so I'll copy a resignation template online. I guess that's the best thing to do.
But my heart is compelling me to write a long and emotional letter. Not only for my managers but also to my colleagues. I'm thinking so many versions....

The HR specialist, just called me a while back. Informed me that they raised their offer, closer to what I expected but not quite. I still accepted it, because this time it's not about the monetary value... it's about the new things I will learn and the new experience I will cherish.
Which brings me back to my doodling.
I have been endlessly questioning myself, am I about to do the right thing?
I really do not know. But I want to know, I am just scared that I might make a big mistake.
I have always had this feeling that I'm all dressed up but I have nowhere to go. Now that I have found a place to explore my capabilities, I suddenly felt scared to jump. I don't want to be a lost ball in the high weeds.

I have 2 weeks left, to finish things for my company. To bid goodbye to my friends and dwell on the memories I will bring as I move forward.
I am back to the wall, it's so difficult to decide. Although I know I have already made one. I am just anxious to finalize it.
The ball is in my court. This is it. I have to take the next step and move on.

I guess, I want to make this decision because I don't want to be stuck here and in the future I'd be thinking, "what if I took the job?"
I can always come back if I'm unhappy there. (There goes my consolation!) =P
It breaks my heart to leave. This has been my comfort zone. This place even makes me feel homier than my apartment. But life wouldn't be as fun without change. I don't want to settle for comfort.

I'll miss my friends, I'll miss my desk and my pc with a pink desk top. I'll miss my locker, the pantry, the entire city of Makati. I will sure miss a hell lot'ta things, but missing makes me grow. Detachment makes me strong and changes make me learn.
One thing is certain, I will always carry the values I have learned from this company.
No matter where I go, I will uphold the virtue of a true IBMer.

To Be or Not To Be

2008-09-18T01:40:00.002-07:00

They say change is inevitable. But I am scared of drastic changes, especially if I don't know what's there waiting for me.

Today I am in complete daze. I dunno, but I think I sort of made this confusion to happen.

A few months back, I started exploring other companies because I got so disappointed with how things are going with my career. Not to mention the financial demand of having a family and the constant inflation of the prices of basic commodoties, the stockpile of loans, in short no matter how my husband and I manage our resources we still can't save for a better future.

Having said that, I applied at this company which is near our hometown. I thought if I got accepted, we will be able to move back to our hometown and we can finally get a house there like what we've always wanted. You see, we don't like to buy a house in Cavite and still work in Makati, especially now that gas is all up in the sky and even if we commute, it will just drain our energy and money. Living in Makati or any where in Metro Manila is not an option as well. Our year of stay here in Makati is okay, but living in a condo is something I would not want for my son. I want him to at least learn how to plant and play outside the streets which we can only do if we live in Cavite.

So the best step to take is to work in Cavite.

I did apply. It took me 2 months of waiting and yesterday, I finally got an offer. It was a fair offer, although not what I expected. I tried to negotiate as usual and I am still waiting for an update as I write this blog. But I kinda have my mind set already. I am going to leave.

Oh yes... I was able to write that without hesitation. But why am I anxious to do so? Everything came as planned and I am still overwhelmed.

I feel sad that I have to leave my present company. This is where I first worked. This is where my comfort zone is. I've spent four years of my life here and so many things happened in my life and the people here were with me to give me support.

I haven't drafted my resignation letter yet. I am heavy-hearted about this.

I dunno... I am seated here, blankly staring at my pc trying to create a resignaton letter.

But I can't.

Faith In Gloom

2008-09-05T01:50:00.002-07:00

I am in so much despair.

The worrying kills me, but i have to have faith.

I am in a deep shit hole.

It is degrading. I feel so irresponsible. I just couldn't admit it to the world.

I couldn't admit it to myself.

When I chose God's path, I chose the tough spot.

I was humbled and brought down from where I used to stand.

I know I can make it. I just don't know how.

I am in despair.

I have nothing.

I have nothing to bargain with.

All I have is faith.

Try Yoga?

2008-08-14T02:01:00.001-07:00

I'm stuck here in the office because the it's heavily raining outside and I did not bring an umbrella. Why do I always forget to bring an umbrella even if I know it rains in the afternoon?! Crap!

Oh well, since I'm stuck here and I don't want to work, I decided to surf the net and find a yoga class here in Makati. Somewhere near my office. A few weeks ago, I woke up and decided that I want to enroll in a yoga class. I think I need it because I need to lose weight and I don't feel healthy at all.

I thought, instead of spending money on spa, facial and other superficial cleansing and relaxation, why don't I invest on cleansing internally. I heard yoga is not only a way to lose weight, but it's a way of life. It cleanses not only your body but your mind as well. With all the meditation going on there, it helps a person view life positively.

I have no doubts about this. I know that yoga started thousands of years ago. I think this is what I need to flush the fat away and a few bitchiness too. Har!

Recently I had this talk with my boss, and somehow it made me feel that I need a change and I should be the driver of my car. So the first step is enrich myself... and this is the first step.
I really don't know how. I hope this is not one of those plans that I have that never materialized. But for sure I'll take on this. I just need to clear my financial burden, next month I will enroll. By the way, I saw this nice class here in Makati. Kinda expensive but i think it's worth it and very challenging too. It's Bikram Yoga. What's good about it is that you will sweat a lot because the yoga room is humid and kept at 38 degree Celcius. Woohoo! I bet all toxins are flushed out'ta my body!

Well, good luck! Hope I could do this. =)

H A L

2008-01-30T16:23:00.000-08:00

i have peaceful life...
that is before that big storm!
it was a hollocaust...
it damaged the serenity of my soul
everything was surreal...
the pain i had to endure is tantamount to a pitless fall.
it seems to be never ending...
but God has been ever splendid
that he relieved my anguished heart.

slowly i rekindled the fire inside me,
embraced the rays of the sun that showered my face
on a bright sunday morning...
resurrected from the sorrow that's within.

but as i slowly mold myself to resilience,
another chaos led to misery,
uncertain what this emotion could be,
an extreme feeling which again walked me to
another turning point in life.

i tried to live happily,
though in the stillness of the night,
i hear the deafening sound of loneliness,
i put my headphones of denial,
to protect myself from the screaming truth
of being alone...

though a valiant fighter i may seem,
blissfully facing the fast pace of life,
lurking behind my shadow,
is the face of the knight
that the princess in me wants to possess.

his presence is there anywhere i set my eyes to,
he haunts my dreams...
and in my dreams he adores my soul.
but as the dawn gives birth to a new light,
darkness eats the hope in my heart,
for when i open my eyes to see the wonders of the world,
all i can lay my eyes to is the emptiness on his face,
telling no emotion that i can count my life on.
the creation has turned gray,
and so is the heart that has been yearning for a miracle,
a miracle that will save it from a slow, painful death.

in his brown eyes, i saw that miracle.
the strength and energy,
that brought back passion in my soul.
but the strength i need can never be mine,
for i will never be able to look into that brown eyes...
because the last time i did...
chaos came and ruined my peaceful life...
*07/11/2005

The Inevitable Change

2008-01-17T13:54:00.000-08:00

Okay, so change is inevitable. The only thing that doesn't change is change happening to our lives. With big change that happend to our department recently, it kind of brought me the verge of giving up.

I tried to start the year by job hunting. It was fun! Reliving the moment of my fresh grad years, I enjoyed every single interview I attended and all the tests I have answered. But last evening, my very new boss asked me to join him with his meeting with the Operations manager of our account. The experience was overwhelming. For 2 years and a half, I haven't really attempted to reach out to the managers. I thought if I keep myself so visible to them I'd seem like a kiss ass freak. But hell noh... I never thought that this can be a learning opportuniy for me. This is what I want, not just an ordinary training you get to have while sitting comfortably.

I suddenly thought of not resigning. I am going to wait for our bonus in Feb. and I'll wait for that time that I can prove something to myself. When I know more about how it really is to work, balancing and keeping the lever of the call center industry.

Hate my work... my boss... this company

2007-11-20T20:23:00.000-08:00

I am so sick and tired of working in this company I am with. I hate the new management. I hate my new manager. I hate what I'm doing. I just don't know what am I still doing here. I'm so sick... sick.... sick. I know I should be thankful that I have a job and I'm getting paid every 15th and 30th. I have been wanting to purchase the dvd of "The Secret" - I saw it once in Oprah, I was thinking it may change my point of view, but even if I have applied the basic principle - that is GRATITUDE, I still can't get back to the right track.

I hate them... I hate my god damn boss and the other power tripping boss.

I hate their e-mails, pushing us to do stuff, just to show off that they are the boss.

Grrr....

2008 Starbucks Planner

2007-11-13T20:26:00.000-08:00

I finally have it!!!

While everyone is spending more than a hundred bucks each day for coffee to get the 2008 Starbucks planner, I on the other hand got the planner for free!

My hubby gave me the planner last night, he said he got it when he purchased gift certificates from Starbucks. Just in time! It's a good thing I haven't started spending so much money over coffee.

Woohoo! I'm one of the first persons to have the planner. Thanks to my hubby!

Gerald and Dale: Our Love Story

2007-11-11T21:47:00.001-08:00

Currently listening to: Canon in D
Mood: In love

Today's November 12th, everyone is very anxious counting the days before Christmas. I, on the other hand, am counting the days before our 1st year wedding anniversary (December 30th). I can't believe that almost a year has passed. When I look back at how our love story started, I couldn't help but feel proud of what we have achieved.

He was my classmate in my first year in highschool and since then we've became friends, we belong to the same peer. Although we weren't really that close to develop a love-relationship back then, I remember that we would often tease each other and fight with each other. Among my male friends, he was the one whom I'd describe as naive. During highschool, while every guy in the campus was busy checking out pretty girls, Gerald on the other hand, was busy with basketball. I never heard of him courting other girls.
He was always at our village. If not at our house, he was at the basketball court, playing with my neighbors who were also schoolmates of ours. Even then, I never envisioned us getting married and having our own family.
We graduated, went to college and had our separate lives. I haven't seen him in years. He really wasn't visible compared to my other highschool peers. We would often meet, every weekend normally, but Gerald was never there. During our entire college years I remember seeing him once or twice. The thought of him never crossed my mind since then.
My relationships back in college were fleeting moments.I have loved and lost. I played around and I was fooled to perfection. I had fun, I was happy and I was hurt. I experienced a lot and I have always thought that my lovelife is a tragedy.

Then I started to get tired of believing. I was tired of chasing rainbows.

One day, I decided to come back and see my friends, they are the ones who really make me happy. It was a clean break for me. It was the right timing because it was the 10th year anniversary of our peer. It was fun reminiscing our highschool days. The days when all we have to think of is our weekly allowance, our school projects, our notebooks and our crushes.
When we're together we are carefree. We dance under the rain, we play in the mud and we eat with an appetite of a horse.

Gerald was there, he was back. Things were totally different for both of us and when I saw him again, the first time after so many years, we were at the church, our highschool parish. He was standing right next to me and I felt something strange. I thought to myself, I missed him.

Few more days passed, we went out of town, attended so many parties with the whole bunch of friends, we had dinner together, we were text messaging each other, we ride the bus together, we watch movies together, the next thing I knew...
I was falling again.

I tried to bridle whatever emotions I have towards him. I was scared. I certainly don't want to lose a friend like him, especially a friendship that lasted for a decade. But no matter how you restrain your heart from loving, it will always come out and radiate in one's eyes.

After 6 months of dating, we got married and now we have a beautiful 4-month old baby boy. The whole year of marriage was not easy as well. We had to deal with a lot of problems especially because my pregnancy was unplanned. We had to deal with my mom, with finances, a new place for us and we had to deal with each other during those bad times. We argue once in a while, just like any married couple, but we also know how to laugh a good laugh. We remained friends even though we are lovers.
All I am praying for is a love made to last, a marriage bound by trust, respect and laughter.

I guess, everything really is on the lap of God.
We took the risk and the best thing in this world happened to me... I finally found love.

My Beautiful Family

Unforgettable Crush

2007-11-09T23:07:00.001-08:00

I know my answer to this is kinda late, but this is a very interesting topic. So I'd have to answer this.The most unforgettable crush I had was Alfred Antes. I was on my first year in college at San Sebastian-Recolletos, Cavite City and he was on his third year. I met this guy when I joined this organization, LKG (I just can't remember what it stands for). This group is primarily for theater artists, singers and dancers. He was the president of that group at that time.
When I saw him during the initiation rights, I was head over heels for him.

I did a lot of stupid things for this guy, just for me to get noticed by him. The most memorable, when I snuck out of our house one night to watch his band play. I was with some friends of course and one my friend knows the owner of the bar that's why we were able to get in and sit infront. It was an unforgettable night for me because we were able to talk for sometime.

I remember him calling me at home. Damn, it was the thrilling moments of my life. Of course I never expected that he would call me and have a chat. But that happened only twice I guess. There is another unforgettable moment for us. We had our celebration of St. Augustine's Day and we had this parade wherein we had to wear a retro costume, he looked so cute with his big, fluffy wig. While waiting for the parade to start moving, he hugged me from the back. God, it was a knee-trembling experience.

My illusion was put to a halt when I found out that he has a girlfriend. That news really made me cry.The feeling I had for him was really intense, but I know that was far from love.
I remember making a poem for him. The title was "Guitarman".

This One Goes Out To...

2007-11-07T23:27:00.000-08:00

"It's dedication time.What song are you sending out, and who is it dedicated to?"

I would dedicate the song "Make me whole" to my husband Gerald. This song would definitely tell him how I feel for him and how he affected me ever since he came to my life.

Darlin' I want you to listen
I stayed up all night so I can get this thing right
And I don't think there's anything missin'
Coz a person like you made it easy to do
I've waited for so long
To sing to you this song

CHORUS
Coz your eyes are the windows to heaven
Your smile could heal a million souls
Your love completes my existence
You're the other half that makes me whole
You're the only other half that makes me whole

I think the angels are your brothers, yeah
They told about me, said "you're just what she needs"
And I find myself thanking your mother
For giving birth to a saint
My spirit flies when I say your name
If there's one thing that's true
It's that I was born to love you

CHORUS
You make my dreams come true over and over again
And I honestly truly believe
That you and me are written in the stars
I'd live my whole life through
Just giving thanks to you (?)
CHORUS

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Make me whole

Gloria...Gloria... Magikera

2007-10-25T18:43:00.000-07:00

What more can I say? Ito na ang tunay na mukha ni Gloria Macapagal-Arroyo. Isang pangit na halimaw na nagtatago sa katawan ng maliit na babaeng nakasaya. Kung inaakala mo halimaw ka, na madadaya mo kami dahil sa harmless mong itsura eh nag kakamali ka.
Sa mga empleyadong katulad namin, madalas hindi na namin hinihimay pa ang laman ng balita dahil alam na namin na puro kurapsyon lang ang ngyayari. Pero itong ginawa mo... masahol pa sa ginawa ni Marcos. Kasuka-suka.

Kung pinalaya mo si Erap, bakit hindi mo narin palayain ang mga magnanakaw at snatcher? Si Juan na nag-shop lift ng isang lata ng cornbeef para ulamin ng anak niang dalawang araw ng walang makain. Si Juan na hindi na nakauwi dahil nadakip siya at walang awang ikinulong sa halagang trenta pesos na de lata. Si Juan, na magpasa hangang ngayon ay nasa kulungan, at hinahanap ng anak na pinangakuang babalikan upang dalhan ng makakakain.
Si Juan, nagnakaw ng lata ng corn beef, nag-hihirap dahil ang pera na dapat ay sa kanya ay ninakaw na ni Erap, upang ipangtustos sa mga kalantari nia, sa Boracay Mansion nia, sa pag-susugal, at pag bili sa kung sino sinong pulitak upang suportahan siya.
Sa pagkakataong ito... nanakawan ulit c Juan. Ngayon si Gloria naman!

Sino ba sa palagay niyo ang dapat mabulok sa kulungan? Ang ordinaryong taong si Juan, na nagnakaw dahil nagugtom o c Erap at si Gloria, na nagnanakaw dahil sa kasakiman?
Kung tutuusin, dapat higit pa sa 6 na taon ang hatol kay Erap. Halos hindi naman siya nag-hirap dahil kumportable siya sa kulungan nia. Dapat ay sa bilibid siya kinulong. At kung sinasabi nio na presidente siya kaya dapat lang siyang bigyan ng ganung pag trato, nasan na ang hustisya? Hindi ba dapat siyang mas mag-dusa dahil sakim siya at kahit maghirap ang bayan, basta't nagpapakasasa siya ay ayos lang.

At ikaw Gloria, sa palagay ko, imbes palayain si Erap, dapat itapon ka rin sa kulungan. Mag-sama kayo! Kaya mo lang naman pinalaya si Erap, dahil gusto mong maiwas ang attention ng tao sa ZTE deal. Gusto mong bumango ang pangalan mo sa ibang kalaban mo, upang makahanap ka ng kakampi.
Para sa pagkakaisa? Utot mo! Wag mo kaming gawing tanga... wag mong insultuhin ang katalinuhan ng mamamayang Pilipino.

Sana lang ay makarating sayo ang blog kong ito. Makita mo, na maraming simpleng mamamayan ang nagngangalit sa kasakiman ninyo ni Erap. Pareho lang kayong nagpapabango ng pangalan. Kunwari ka pa Erap na concern sa ina mo... bakit... gagaling ba yan pag nakalaya ka?
Kahit na anong pabango nio, balutin man ng ginto ang mga katawan nio, amoy pusali pa rin kayo! Lumilitaw parin sa mga gintong yan ang mga tinik at kaliskis sa balat ninyo. Mga hayop na mababang-uri. Tigilan nio na kaming mga Pilipino... kampon kayo ng demonyo!

ME...a.k.a. "The Bitchy Mug Goddess"

2007-10-24T18:25:00.000-07:00

Remember my post about the "mug incident" wherein I threw my co-trainer's mug in the trash can because her stuff was all over the place? Well, this is their answer to the said event. It was so funny because they are keeping their mugs from me, even my boss... harharhar! I was tagged as The Mug Goddess.

Isn't it a nice caricature? Obviously, the one who's carrying a mug and about to throw it in the trash can, that's me! =)

Farewell

2007-10-23T18:03:00.000-07:00

Last night we had a very important meeting. That meeting was different from all the fun meeting our team has ever had. It was fun as usual, but there was sadness and apprehension.
My boss and my friend is leaving our team.
He will be given a different assignment and we will be transferred under the umbrella of operations while he remains under the training department. When I was told about the news a few months back and just after I came back from my maternity leave, I really felt bad about it. First, because the training department is really fun especially our team building activities. We were a bunch of wacky and loud people, can't-wait-to-let-out-their-thoughts kinda person and each has their own sense of humor. Second, because my boss was lenient or should I say considerate. He may not be the perfect boss, but he trusts us and lets us manage our schedule and he makes it a point that work will not interfere with our life. Lastly, because my boss is my good friend as well.

I am actually proud of the kind of relationship we have. Compared to any supervisor-subordinate relationships, he was more of a friend than a supervisor. Among the group I am the tenured trainer and my boss and I have been working together for more than 2 years. Even if we don't really mesh in terms of work, he's someone I can rely on with my personal problems. May it be with love, friendship and family he has been always there.
He also shares his problems to me and that makes it special because that makes you feel so trusted. I practically grew up in this company. This is my first job and by the time I was promoted and worked under his supervision he saw how I changed from a party girl / date-someone-new-every-weekend kinda girl to a loyal girlfriend, a loving wife, an emotional pregnant woman and a dedicated mom. He literally saw the hormonal changes that happened to me =).
I would never forget the time when I got pregnant, it was unplanned and my husband and I had to go through a lot. Financially and emotionally, he was there to support me, understood my needs even if that meant not going to work or not submitting my deliverables on time. He was there when I crave for food and he was there when I cry because I just feel like crying.
We had bad times but definitely more of the good times. He's one of the people who can tolerate my bitchiness. I was surprised that he did not reprimand me for throwing my colleague's mug in the trash can. Instead, he told me that he'd call me if some girls pick up a fight with him.
But in this world nothing is permanent except for change. I am saddened by the news, apprehensive with the change, but this can be good for both parties. Life can be exhausting if it's all the same shit. Still, at the end of the day, I know we will always be good friends.

To you Jerome, thanks for being the best boss ever!

When I was a lot more thinner....

2007-10-23T02:02:00.000-07:00

I was cleaning our online folders to eliminate the unnecessary files that are eating up the space in our shared drive. I saw this folder with photos of the Voice and Accent trainers. It was fun looking at them, I never knew I had a nice body before! Hehehe... I only realized that now that I'm kinda chubbier due to child birth.

I suddenly remembered the song of Baz Luhrman - Everybody's Free (to wear sunscreen)... one part there goes:
"Enjoy the power and beauty of your youth. Never mind. You will not understand the power and beauty of your youth until they have faded. But trust me, in 20 years you'll look back at photos of yourself and recall in a way you can't grasp now how much possibility lay before you and how fabulous you really looked. You are NOT as fat as you imagine."

this was Nov '05, our very first team buiding activity. We just stayed at Mandarin hotel and had dinner at a Chinese restaurant in Makati.

Christmas 2005, dinner at Pasto, Makati. I miss the old VAPS team. I'm the only one left from this batch.

Posing as a Hawaian princes! Har! @ Jerome's birthday bash.

Photo taken during the Ride the Wave party at Bagaberde, Manila (July 2006). I was with Ritu - the "Indian Princess" and my boss Jerome.

Hawaiian wasn't really the theme of my boss' birthday bash, it just so happened that there were Bouganvillas around the place and we had nothing good to do! Hehehe!

Another entry proving how vain I can get! I love taking photos of my friends and me... well... you have to love your own! =)

Single Careererz

2007-10-22T01:28:00.000-07:00

current mood: Nostalgic

I was browsing my Friendster friends and came accross the account I built for my colege girlfriends... Single Careererz. I felt very sentimental about it... years passed and I miss my friends, the days we hang out at Eliza's Tapsihan, Kinse Lang and Batibot.
Our days we spent by loitering around the campus checking out cute guys and of course bitchin' around other college girls. I was a typical kolehiyala back then. I remember, other girls would try to bully me because I was such a "prima donna". Our group was one of the popular group in the College of Accountancy, and I guess one of the favored by the professors since some of us excel in school, but of course, some of us excel in cheating! Hah! We were bunch of "pilyas" (naughty girls) and snobs. We also have a few guy friends in the group and they also have their own share of roguishness.

Our group was mostly dominated by single girls and a single guy (Jay-r)- just so you know, he's not gay. We considered him our boyfriend since he's aloof with other girls except with us and he is very dear to us no matter how snob he is. We also have a gay friend Ralf, who loves designing clothes. We loved that fact that most of us are single, and we enjoyed each time we spent together.

No heartaches, no lover's quarrel, no unsafe sex. Haha!

I miss the days we study at the library and the librarian gets mad because we were trying to laugh quietly. I miss the days we splurge on food and movies. We are a bunch of ladies with voracious appetite! We drink til we drop and we sleep together and wake up with an enormous hang-over. I miss our laughter, as if we don't care at all. If we were from a school of nuns, I think we would have been kicked out for we lacked finess and we were tactless.We were proud that we're single. We were happy just by being each others' dates.

Now that I'm married, I can't call myself "singlecareerer", but I'm happy that I have once founded a cheezy yet fun group. A friendship made to last, even if we're all married or not!

I miss my amigas and amigos!

Foxy Beggar

2007-10-20T01:10:00.000-07:00

I was standing outside PB Com Tower waiting for my husband, suddenly a man came up to me and told me that he was about to take an exam for a call center and because he was rushing he forgot his wallet. I didn't have money that time because I left my wallet at my office.
I was really thinking about him as I went back to the office. He seemed really troubled and in need. I felt guilty because I was thinking badly about him. I was a victim of such modus operandi before wherein this old guy asked for 50php from me because according to him he dropped his money when he got some coins from his pocket. I gave him money. Then I saw him again the next day doing the same thing he did to me. That's what I thought of the man I saw that morning.

I told the story to my colleagues and I got money from my wallet and was about to go and give him some, but one of my co-trainer asked me how he looked like and upon giving him the description, he confirmed that he was just making up such stories because that guy has always been there asking people for 20bucks.

Damn! Isn't that so bad? I mean, that's good that he's not stealing, but by the looks of him, he is so capable of getting a job, he speaks well and he's pretty much able. I can't believe there are lots of people who will resort to this kind of deceitful act. It's frustrating because sometimes you really want to help, but at the same time you don't want to be abused or deceived by these kind of people. They are triggering your emotional-softy-heart, making you feel guilty if you don't help.

A modern beggar, wearing not tattered clothes but a clean polo and jeans, a nice shoes and bag, pretending to work but in reality victimizing people with kind hearts.

Mall Blast: Glorietta 2 - Ayala Center

2007-10-19T00:51:00.002-07:00

I really do not know how to start writing this tragic event. Until now, I still have goosebumps whenever I see the photos of the explosion that happened in a very popular mall in Makati, Philippines (Glorietta Mall - Ayala Center).

I was at home sleeping, I woke up around 1pm undecided if I'm going to the mall to buy diapers and other baby stuff. I was too lazy to go out for it was hot outside so I decided to do the laundry instead. I turned the tv on and there the shocking news of the day confronted me.

At least eight people were killed while at least 70 others were injured after an explosion at Glorietta Mall, around 1:30pm. It was so shocking because it was just 10mins away from my place and if I had decided to do the shopping that time, I would have died at this moment.
The explosion is still a puzzle to the authorities, different speculations arised. Some said it was caused by a liquefied petroleum gas tank but many believe that it was caused by a bomb. Even that speculation has its own supposition. According to Sen. Trillanes, this event was caused by the Philippine government itself. they said the President is behind this because they want to declare a "state of emergency". Again, the people in government is in the middle of chaos. Larger than the explosion, these animals are pointing fingers as to who's clean and who's the criminal. Can't they just focus their attention to the casualties and the injured? I guess not. At the end of the day, these people, the corrupt and the claiming-non-corrupt do not really care.

Actually, I really do not know the story behind the dirty politics that we have. All I know is that, it's as dirty as mud and corruption is rampant. Whatever caused the explosion, whether it's lpg, terrorist or the president, this event scares me. A place where people relax and enjoy themselves, is a place that can be dangerous, as dangerous as an active volcano.

I'm scared not only for myself but also for my son. What will be the future ahead of him?

When bitchyness is too much...

2007-10-15T20:08:00.000-07:00

I threw her mug in the trash can next to me.

I was annoyed and pissed because she wasn't neat with her things.

Her mug was filled with water and a colleague accidentally kicked it when it was on the floor.

The floor got wet, and I was upset, so I threw her mug in the garbage net.

Now I feel guilty, for being such a bitch.

They call me Queen B, for I am the only one who has guts to do such thing.

I am not proud.

I want to apologize.

But I'm such a sissy to admit my mistake.

I am a Bitch!

That was too much.

For Everything, There is a Season

2007-10-10T19:59:00.000-07:00

"What are your top five favorite cooking seasonings?"
Submitted by skip.town

1.) Freshly Cracked Black Pepper

2.) Rosemary

3.) Salt

4.) Patis (Fish Sauce)

5.) Cayenne Powder

Desperate Housewives vs. The Filipinos

2007-10-02T20:15:00.000-07:00

Here's the most controversial news here in the Philippines as I speak! Truly, the premiere episode of the fourth season of Desperate Housewives created an uproar from Flips here and abroad. This video caught from You Tube gained lots of comments from Filipinos, again uniting the entire nation because of a racist comment coming from a tv series.

The character of Teri Hatcher (Susan) was talking to her doctor and dropped this line like a bomb:

MD: Well, everything seems normal. But, you say you’ve been having irregular periods?Susan: Yeah, you know, one month off, two months on. That happens, right?

MD: Have you ever experienced night sweats? …. (few other lines here)MD: How about hot flashes?

Susan: OK, whoa. I’m gonna stop you right there. I’m way too young for that, please refer to your chart.

MD: Susan, I know for a lot of women the word menopause has negative connotations. They hear aging, brittle bones, loss of sexual desire…

Susan: Before you go any further, can I check those diplomas? I would just like to make sure that they’re not from some med school in the Philippines.

And there it was... the fire starter.

Just like the journalist (who-must-not-be-named)- who belittled the OCWs, ABC, the writer of this episode and even Teri Hatcher were bombarded with lots of comments from the Filipino community. Bound by our dignity and nationalism, even the non-doctors got hit on the nerve, even Malacanang wants an explanation and a public apology from ABC.

My take on this:

I understand how it is to be the center of a joke especially if it's a bad one, but I feel that if we are really confident that we have good doctors and nurses, we shouldn't get offended or defensive with this line. I think the people's reaction is very normal because we Filipinos are so proud of our nation, but having our government involved in such issue to the extent of asking for a public apology and banning the show is quite out of sorts. As usual, these politicians are dipping their toes in this controversy just to get the attention of the Filipinos.

Somehow, this scene might have been brought about by the nursing-board leakage that happened last year. But still the writer could have researched more. We have lots of health workers, leaving our country to serve the Americans, and I feel disappointed, yet we have to keep in mind that the script did not mean any harm for us Filipinos.
It's ok to feel disappointed, mad or angry but let's not over react because somehow it seems that we are too defensive, especially after the controversy of the nursing board exams.
The politicians, most especially, need not to waste their time giving unnecessary comments encouraging animosity between two nations. This issue is very minor compared to the embarrasment they bring when they have their circus in the Senate or in the Congress.

I must say, the writers, Teri Hatcher, nor ABC has no intentions of degrading our dignity as health care workers and as Filipinos. This should not affect us, because the people who underrate us are the people of our own kind, our own color, the men and women wearing barong and conservative suits, having their gala parade at the expense of the millions of hungry and homeless citizens of our country.

A line in a tv series like this will not affect us in anyway, Americans will still hire Filipino nurses and doctors, and Filipinos will still aim for their American dream.

Dilemma

2007-10-01T00:20:00.002-07:00

I am not happy with my work anymore. Actually, I was never happy with it. The only thing that made me stay here for 2 years are my colleauges and friends, the flexible schedule, my very nice boss and unlimited petix time (meaning I can do anything anytime as long as I finish my job on time).

I don't really have a problem working in a call center as a trainer. The only problem is I can't seem to feel a sense of fulfillment. You see, every freaking day what I do is listen to calls and check the grammar and pronunciation of agents and how they deal with American clients. The bad part is, when you coach them regarding their areas for improvement, nothing really happens.

I really think that an agent's improvement relies on him/herself. Most of the issues I encounter everyday is a matter of will issue. If an agent choose not to build rapport then he won't. If an agent choose to be rude, then he will be rude. The hardest part is, they ignore the feedback of coaches like me because they know for a fact that they will still pass their metrics and will still get paid on the 15th and 30th of the month.

I want to train in a classroom setting. I don't want to spend drowsy nights monitoring agents. I want to be where the action is. I was born to talk and teach (and write), not to just sit here in front of a pc listening to some calls and later on give feedback to an unreceptive agent.
This is my first job, but for 2 years of being a trainer, I never felt fulfilled. I feel like my career is stagnant. I want to grow and learn and feel that I'm really working. I am way too much comfortable, no pressure, no challenge.

I wanna move to another company. But I'm thinking, am I ready to leave my comfort zone?

High Pitched-Loud Mouth Monster Strikes Back!

2007-09-30T00:00:00.000-07:00

Grrr... I can't stand high-pitched-loud-mouth whining! I'm still at work, doing a straight shift. I decided to do a quick power nap to liven up my nerves, when this blabber mouth co-trainer of mine started whining and telling me how bad her day was!

I mean don't we all have our bad days?

I'm really pissed. All she does is whine and talk and give unnecessary remarks and side comments.

Ugh! Well, why doesn't she whine over the net... and blog her way to madness!

The Corrs to Titanic Mood

2007-09-28T20:56:00.003-07:00

I decided to take a 30 minute break from work to blog and surf the net. My mood for tonight is to listen to The Corrs' songs, I was a bit nostalgic since their songs reminded me so much of my highschool years and my "all the love in the world moments" during college (i guess I'd write about that some other time).

Anyway, I saw this video from Yahoo , The Corrs with Celine Dion. It's amazing!
My Heart Will Go On was an old favorite way back highschool (I know it's cheesy!) but I really think Titanic was the best romantic movie of all times!
What made this video so special is Andrea Corr, playing the tin whistle at the beginning of the song... gosh... goosebumps were all over me! It sounded so sweet... well I guess Andrea adds to the beauty of the sound of her tin whistle.

The Corrs e Celine Dione Pavarotti - My Heart Will Go On

Culinary Celebrity

2007-09-26T22:49:00.001-07:00

"Who's the coolest culinary celebrity? "

Well here in the Philippines, not only the coolest but the cutest culinary celebrity is Rob Pengson!
He has this hip-cooking show in QTV 11 ( a sister company of GMA 7 - one of the biggest network in Philippines) entitled
Chef to Go.

Althoug his cooking show taps the elite AB Market, this dashing chef mesmerizes many of his women
viewers. Ladies can even write to the producer's show to be considered his date in one of his episodes.
They can cook, have a delightful conversation and have the most appetizing dinner date with the most handsome chef
town. Gosh... I'm starting to create a wonderful email to be chosen as his date! Hehehe!

His show Chef To Go, airs every Sunday 7pm at QTV 11.

Family Finance

2007-09-26T15:19:00.000-07:00

Being married unexpectedly and having a kid is tough. Financially, my husband and I are unstable as I speak. I just gave birth and for 2 months I didn't get paid. Only my hubby worked during that time and what he's gettin' wasn't enough for our expenses.

I'm glad I'm back to work... but even then, our salaries combined is kinda hard to manage. It's enough though, but we have a little extra to save.

However, financial burden doesn't topple a sturdy marriage, that's too weak of a storm to break us. We are working hard... and we will work harder.

Of course nothing beats the smile of my son, motivating me to give him all the best in this world!

Stretch Marks

2007-09-25T20:36:00.000-07:00

Was really sleepy a while back at work but I've got to finish some reporting for my agents so I didn't waste time to get a power nap. I went to the washroom instead, took a piss and then washed my face. As I was fixin my top, I saw my stretch marks again... haaay... I was told that it will fade 2 months after giving birth but it is still dark as it was before.

Damn! It is so ugly! My hubby always teases me and tells me it looks like a monster! Actually it doesn't bother me at all because I don't wear hanging tops or 2 piece bathing suits, what I'm worried about is that my hubby finds my tummy ugly fugly... well, he's makin fun of it but who knows... he might be really horified with it. The worst part is, I also have 'em on my thighs and a little on my legs. I can't even wear short shorts! Grrr...

The only consolation and I guess the most expensive price for havin a lot of stretch marks is my cute son Joaquin. That's what I tell my hubby... "if not for these marks, you wouldn't have cute little boy!" Hah... and he hugs me after saying that.

But I still want to lose those stretch marks!

Do you know?

2007-09-24T20:13:00.000-07:00

I have been continously listening to this song these past few days ever since I first saw its video. I dunno what's up with this song, I can't even relate to the message of the song since I'm happily married, but I guess sometime in the past I might have been singing this song had it been released before. Anyway, whether it hits a nerve or not, I declare that this is my current-favorite-office-song... my co-trainer wants to kill me for playing it over and over. Hehehe!
Just don't get why it has a subtitle "the ping pong song" . =P
Too bad I can't upload the song here... IT issues... damn it!

Cheers to Enrique!

Taba...taba...ching...ching

2007-09-23T18:56:00.001-07:00

Nothing else works as a stress reliever but the sight of my son, fastly growing every week. Our set up is kinda hard for me, since I miss my son when I'm at work. I let my inlaws take care of Joaquin at Indang, Cavite while my hubby and I work and live here in Makati during the whole work week.

Haaay... no choice but to have a little bit of sacrifice. If only there are call centers in Cavite, then I'd probably be with my son everyday. Well gotta work since the price of milk, diapers and other baby stuff are really expensive. Of course I also want to give my son the best of everything in this world, that's why I hafta work my ass all night... and my husband... all day! Hehehehe! I'm just so excited for Saturdays and Sundays to come and long holidays too!

So fun playing with Joaqui, He's 2months old now... going on his 3rd month this October 8th. He smiles a lot now and plays with us especially early morning. Hmmm... nakakagigil talaga!!! I wish I can bring him here in the office... hahaha... at least I won't get bored monitoring and training agents!

Other cutie photos of Joaqui over the weekend! He's super adorable, never fails to make us fall inlove with him!

Ranting and praying

2007-01-29T00:45:00.000-08:00

Oh well... it's been a long time since I last updated this blog. I was busy updating my friendster blog since I have so many readers there. Too bad friendster isn't working at the moment and I think I'm gonna lose myself here in the office since I'm alone here, got no one to talk to and no friendster to keep my mind fleet for the moment. I need to keep myself sane... or else...

Anyway... to keep you posted I'm getting married again soon... yup you heard it right! But that doesn't mean I'm divorced or I'm a widow... I got married recently but it was just a civil marriage. Now since my mom insisted for us to have a church wedding... so we did. And guess what? It's just a month long preparation and no budget at all.

Whew... this pressure is killing me... thanks to my baby I have something to hold on to. God help me. I really don't know where to get the money, my husband says that it's not practical for us to get married but since I insisted to obey my mom I have to shoulder all the burden there is. I don't want to bug him of the financial aspects of the wedding coz I know that's hard for him to think of. He knows for a fact that we need to save for a house or an apartment and also for the coming baby. That alone makes him terribly worried.

Oh crap... the silence in this room is seeping through my brain... it makes my head throb! I really dunno what and where to go! All I know is I can get money through my payroll but that's not enough... all I have right now is my prayers... hoping that God will grant me the loan I applied for.

I really believe that this church wedding will bless us more... I hope the blessings will come earlier so we can celebrate the wedding decently.

Oh God... help me!

SUCKS TO BE YOU!!!

2006-09-15T15:28:00.000-07:00

I'm so pissed off right now... I really don't know why some people won't stop saying nasty things and yet they've got no balls to face me and say it outright!!! Such a coward!!!
Yes! That's what you are! I just hope this message gets to you.
I guess you've gone through a whole lot of misfortunes in your life... well i really don't want to be the judge of that but it seems like you're living a horrible life. A very bitter life. SUCKS TO BE YOU!!!
My advice to you is... take it easy and look at things in a positive way. Don't drop your negativity on others or better yet, get a shrink... I think you badly need it!
Never accuse me of stealing your "guy" coz you were never a witness to that. And if it happened that your guy was with me before, there can only be 2 reasons:
- he's a BIG flirt and a BIG jerk
- or you're just inadequate (in whatever aspect this may apply).
Bottomline is... I NEVER STOLE ANYONE FROM SOMEONE!
And if YOUR guy, seems to be cheating on you, no need to worry coz he's not with me... can't you see that I'm with someone right now and he's not the JERK that you are with. You might wanna check his phone and start pestering another creature.
Better yet, start looking at yourself in the mirror and reflect on how to reinvent yourself so you won't be so insecure and YOUR guy would go F@#! you again! With your attitude, I don't think any guy can stand being with you!
STOP bothering me coz I don't have anything to do with you and I don't even want to have a connection with a sick person like you!
***by the way, you don't have to remind me that I'm a BITCH... I know that already.

I won heaven's lottery!

2006-09-05T14:59:00.000-07:00

Right at this moment, I couldn't contain the happiness. For quite somtime I have been writing incessantly about pain and my anguished heart. Probably because it's easier to write when your lonesome. Words would just float in your head. But when your happy, there are no words to describe it.

But what I am really trying to get at is... I'm ULTIMATELY happy!!!

I clearly remember what the priest has told us in his homily. People's choices are pretty much affected by what media has to say. Our minds have been corrupted by the standards of media. It has also affected the way we choose our partner in life. We look for someone who has "long, black and silky hair", healthy and buff, someone who's rich, has a good career, and has a big name in society... all these and other superficial things that will eventually fade in time.

Because of these "substandard standards", we have witnessed weak marriages, easily destroyed by problems and temptations. The priest said, the most important thing in choosing a partner in life is to find someone that you can talk to, someone that you can communicate with.

That homily moved me... bigtime... because I have that person already! Gerald is someone that I can talk to and I can share with him anything in this world. What's really good about him is... he's also someone that I can pray with. I think I'm the luckiest person in this planet because after all the "jerks" that I've went out with... I have finally found the right one! I won the Lord's lottery!

In him I have a friend, lover and soulmate. I know this time I can't go wrong, he is God sent and I could not ask for more.

Attention Ballers!!!

2006-08-22T23:11:00.000-07:00

I was hooked, the minute the buzzer broke my eardrums I coulndn't get off the bench. The tension was galvanic. As they toss the ball, grab and push each other, and do their 3 point shot, the energy caused a huge uproar from the crowd. If I was hooked by just watching, I guess the players were electrified during the game.
Honestly, there are so many things in this world that is hard to comprehend even if there is a scientific explanation or none. For instance, basketball and men. Please if there's someone who would read this blog and can answer my question please do and I'd definitely tell you the secret between women and shoes.
Well, it was a tough game for the boys last night, they were playin it hard as if they were fighting for dear life. Big-shout for them! The ball game was really exciting and I know the boys gave their best. A shitload of energy just to pull off those stunts.
But unfortunately the game didn't turn out well for their side. Of course in every game someone has to win and someone has to lose. They got the downside of the story. Seeing those big boys rocking the court just a few minutes ago, suddenly turned into crying babies. Some where still ok with it, but some where really disappointed.
I understand that the game wasn't an easy shot after all, but I was amazed to see how a big guy would transform into a young boy the minute they lost. Not only that, like Gerald, whenever I see him watching a basketball game he's so absorbed by it that he doesn't even talk to me.
Well it's not really a big deal for me, not that I'm jealous or something but I just felt bad that Gerald was upset when they didn't win. I saw how he played and it was awesome. I really have no idea how to comfort a passionate baller who lost a game. Funny coz I just told him, "don't worry mahal naman kita eh" (don't worry, I still love you) and to my surprise the reaction was as blank as a sheet of clean paper. Was that the right way to make a baller feel good after losing a game? I felt bad somehow when I wasn't able to make a point... and he didn't even appreciate that I was there no matter what. But I guess that's just how it is. Disappointing... that is... and if I can't do anything or say anything to make him feel better, I'll just remain quiet and just be there.
I guess balls and girls don't do good together... wait a sec... that doesn't sound right... ayt? Heheheheh... let me rephrase that. Basketball and girls are... well I really don't know... it's up to you guys to finish the sentence. Why don't we just talk about shoes then! =)

Blogging keeps me sane.

2006-08-22T22:55:00.000-07:00

I'm at work today, practically doing nothing, although I have lots of things to do, I can't bring myself back to working mode. These past few days, I don't feel motivated at all. Probably because of the repetitive stuff that I do each day plus I'm in the morning shift which is really hard because I'd have to wake up early and go through all the trouble of commuting and of course rush hour.
The only thing that's keeping me sane these days, is blogging, some friends and our fun conversation and of course Gerald. It feels like I'm not growing and learning from what I do, not to mention the fact that I'm not getting a satifactory pay. Imagine every cut-off, you'd have to dispute the days you were deducted for, because of some negligent people who did not mark your attendance properly when you had your APPROVED vacation leave or sick leave! CRAP! On top of that let's include the consistent and I guess non-curable "irrate agents" that you'd have to constantly coach and to make things worst, they don't appreciate your help and would think that what you're doing is non-sense. Let us not forget the ever frustrating campaign for EOP (English Only Policy). Does anyone religiously follow this anyway?
These things that would just grab me by the soul and drag me around is keeping me from performing well at work. Don't get me wrong, I love my job and ever since I got here I realized that training career is my passion. But the processes that we have is not that organized, it's caging me and my desire to learn and I want to break out.
Forgive me for the ranting. I know I have a very cool job. I know these days it's hard to find a good job and I don't have the right to make a mountain out of a molehill. But still I am frustrated, but why distress myself with it?
So... as we speak... I'll just keep on blogging.

Fidgety me.

2006-08-21T19:15:00.000-07:00

Worrying kills you... well this is the mantra that I keep on repeating to myself each day. Aside from singing, I guess this is one of my greatest talent! I worry about lots of things from the smallest detail to the biggest creation in the world. Who can I blame? Bad experiences? They say charge it to experience... you bet! You learn from these things... I learn nothing but to worry. Even when I'm happy, I worry. I worry that after laughing out loud, I'd cry the next day. Pathetic huh?
Sometimes my worrying worries me... see?! Like when I ride the bus, whenever someone hides his hands in his jacket, it gives me the feeling that he has a gun or a knife. I even thought I saw someone pick-pocketing someone. Either that or I'm delusional!
There are more to that story, which at some point is an advantage because I'm vigilant and alert. But it causes me a great deal of trouble. I don't ride buses which have curtains, I don't ride AC trans, WALIS taxi cab, I don't ride tinted FX, I don't ride jeepneys which have small windows and goon-looking men... and the list goes on and on.
This "worrying thing" or it may come close to paranoia- is also affecting my personal relationship with other people and with myself. I worry about my future, I worry about my family if their safe, I worry if my friends are safe and if they are really "true" friends, I worry if my boyfriend is loyal to me or not... I worry about anything under the sun.
Right now, I'm worrying because I'm happily inlove. It has never been like this before, trust me! Life hasn't been to good to me in this aspect of life. But now that it seems like I have found the right one, I am worrying again... worrying that tomorrow it's a different story. Though I trust the guy (as in I really do) this monster lurking inside my brain is slowly killing me.
I don't want to be afraid of riding the bus, jeep, or taxi. I don't want to live afraid that my loved ones are not safe. I don't want to constantly think if I turned off the gas or if I pulled the plug of the tv. I dont want to be afraid of loving too much, I don't want to worry about losing him.
I just want to live in peace.

Another Fiasco On Me

2006-06-28T10:55:00.000-07:00

It's a hair-raising debacle.

Without a ruler it's really hard to draw a straight line.

Again, I'm a dead duck.

I pick up the clutter on the floor.

I have to bite the bullet.

But yes... it can be avoided.

I had a choice.

I chose not to live.

HIGHSCHOOL - Isang Dekada ng Pagkakaibigan

2006-06-09T17:10:00.000-07:00

Lahat ng tao ay may kaibigan, malamang lahat tayo ay marami nian, pero ilan lang sa mga kaibigang ito ang maituturing tapat at totoo sayo? Minsan kahit gaano pa sila karami, mangilan-ilan lang ang matitra sa panahon ng kapighatian.
Kaya naman masasabi kong maswerte ako, kahit na sa lovelife eh mejo palpak ako, napagtanto ko na sa mga kaibigan ay wala akong kalugihan. Sa mga nagdaang panahon, pareparehong mukha lang ang nakakasalamuha ko, malungkot man o masaya, pareparehong mukha lang ang karamay ko.
Sabi nga sa kantang nakalakihan namin... "nagsimula ang lahat sa skwela, nagsamasamang labing dalawa, sa kalokohan at sa tuksuhan, hindi maawat sa isa't isa" ... 10 taon na ang nakalipas simula ng magkakilakilala kami, 1st yr highschool kami noon, isang malaking grupo na walang ibang ginawa kundi magkulitan at mag asaran.
Madalas pagalitan ng teacher kasi madadaldal... pero kahit na ganun... matatalino naman! =) Naaalala nio ba nung nagtakbuhan tayo from the tennis court pabalik ng classroom, tapos si Mrs. Loba galit na galit dahil ginagawa daw natin siyang “panakot”.
Masarap balikan yung alaala ng highschool, tanda ko pa nun madalas nag-aaway si marjune at mark, minsan nadaganan nio pa si jefferson at tuloy naging black listed, at yung away naming ni Angela dahil lang sa calculator. At sino naman ang makakalimot sa pagtambay natin sa bahay namin... bata palang tayo gin na ang iniinom, with Sprite and Judge chewing gum.
Eto pa, xempre di pwedeng mawala ang mga ligawan at mga crush, hmmm... mark-isabel- marjune? louie-isabel-iking, hehehe... isabel-michael-aiza? =) yhem-oliver- kaye? hehehe... mga love triangle... hahaha! Ako and si Jeff… (ayan na inamin ko na, na crush mo ko dati) hahahaha! Eh yung mga lovers... hmmm... aiza and mike (labz #06), alaine and khaye, angela and oliver, louie and isabel, isabel and iking, a.r. and mhing at nadz at ako
(the best na love team yan) hehehehe! grabe... bata pa tayo eh malalandi na ang tropa! hahahaha!
Madalas din mag-outing ang tropa, halos taon taon, Volets at Starluck… hehehe… ano na kya nangyari sa mga resort na yun? Siyempre, di rin ako present nun, minsan takas pa kasi strict pa ang parents ko nun eh, dati nga di ako pinayagan dahil sa SARS diba? Hahahah! =) Oh Louie
, natatandaan mo ba nung inaway ka ni papa sa bahay and nung JS prom.
And speaking of JS prom, memorable din yun diba. Mga “first and last dance” , pagtulog kina Mhing at Mike.
Maliban sa mga yan eh di ko makakalimutan yung mga dramahan lalo na ang mga classic na palusot ni Michael na “i want to enjoy my highschhol life".
Ang madalas na awayan naming nila Aiza and Isabel, pati narin ni Angela. Di rin talaga mawawala ang tampuhan sa magkakaibigan.
Pero ang gusto ko sa lahat eh yung pagnagdadamayan na sa problema, panalo yun! Si Lau, palaging matatakbuhan yan kapag masama ang loob mo. Dati madalas pa tayo kina Kaye at doon nag-oopen forum, habang ang iba eh ngtatambling at sumasayaw… naaalala nio pa ba yun DANCE GROUP nila Mike, AR, Oliver, pati yata si Iking at Louie e dinamay pa jan… hahahah! Active din ang tropa sa school activities eh.
Kung meron pambato sa sayaw siyempre di kami pahuhuli ni Nad’z sa kantahan. Pero talagang mahilig tayo sa kantahan eh, minsan mesa lang ang instrumento, kayang kaya ni Louie yun, siyempre ang clarinet na hawak ni Mike, wag kalimutan. Ayos din sa jamming ang tropa noh!
Napakadami pang bagay akong nais sabihin, mga alaala na sadjang nakakapagpangiti sa’kin lalu na sa panahong masama ang loob ko. Maisip ko lang yung panahong magkakasama tayo na masaya, kahit tumatawid tayo sa gitna ng rumaragasang baha, tawa pa rin ng tawa. Lahat tayo pagmagkakasama, kahit sa edad natin ngayon para pring mga bata, nagwawala basta nanjan tropa, lasing man o hindi. Masaya tayo kasi wala tayong pakialam kung ano sabihin ng iba, basta ang halakhak natin abot hangang kay San Pedro. Masarap maging bata, lalo na kung mejo tumatanda ka na.
“Lumipas na ang ilang taon, magkaibigan parin ngayon”, 10 taon na, ang ilan sa’min nasa Tate, ung iba nawala na lang ng sadya, pero marami parin ang natira. Marami nang nagbago, karamihan abala na sa trabaho… si Isabel, puro trabaho naku minsan magparamdam ka naman, Louie- trabaho at babae,magparamdam ka rin minsan, si Mark abala sa factory niya ng bag, si Mike… hmm… factory ng babae? Ginoong Laspinas ito! Hahaha… good boy nrin yan noh (sana!). Kamusta naman ang nurse ng tropa, si Oliver? Gwapo parin! Si Yhem din pala nurse na, e si Khaye, balita ko mag-aasawa na. Si Marjune at Nad’z at Jeff… talagang nag-asawa na… tatay na tatay na! Si Iking naman, hmmm… siya na yata may-ari ng Hurricane e. Si Pardz, Lau at ako… hehehe… nagpapayaman!
Ngayon ko lang naisip na napakalaki ng pamilya natin, kulang pa nga yan kung tutuusin, marami ang nawala na lang, kaya sana minsan magpakita naman kayo. Pero kahit nasan man ang bawat isa sa atin, patuloy parin ang pagkakaibigan. Sa sampung taong pinagsamahan natin, hindi biro ang kalimutan kayo. Kalahati ng buhay ko kayo ang kasama ko. Sana sa susunod pang taon ng buhay natin, magkaibigan parin tayo.
10 taon at higit pa… yan ang dalangin ko.
Dale =)

Stationery

2006-05-22T03:03:00.000-07:00

Have you ever thought of the first time you bought a stationery? I'll never forget the first time I bought a stationery...

I met this guy who stands up from his seat everytime we meet, he makes me sit comfortably when we eat, he loves frenchfries and together we eat unstoppably. He respected me for who I am and never took advantage of my weakness. He was the first guy who appreciated the love letters I made. This guy who treated and called me his baby!

It must be crazy to say that it was "love at 1st sight". It never crossed my vivid dreams and conscious thought, but it was such a comforting idea & I enjoyed this new found bliss from a guy I'v just met.

As we got along togeder, I have seen in him everything I'v ever wanted (well maybe i have thought about meeting Mr. Perfect before, but it turned out to be a monster and the other one was an aged freak!)

This time it's different!!! He was specially and specifically made just for me & I have known that when I looked into his eyes! In his eyes, I saw sadness...sadness which is yet to be relinquished by someone who will truly love him & in his eyes i saw that it was me he really needs! Then I have decided that I will make him happy!

We started and ended each day, saying how much we love each other. Everyday the life we started was ecstatic. I endured the bitterness of life and love before, but he gave me the eagerness to face life and its adversities.

But everything was so fast... then it was the end of it!

How it ended? When he was confounded with love between me and his former girlfriend. The girl he loved for 3 long years, the girl he sought after for another 3 yrs, came back & zapped the world we created. It never crossed my mind that I will get hurt this much. Funny as it seems, I've stumbled and fell a couple of times & yet I haven't learned enough! Still I jumped over a cliff & let myself fall. STUPID ME!!!

And yet I never regret loving him coz he is unique! There can never be greater pain than not loving a guy as good as he is.

As for my stationery? I still have it, when am I going to use it? Hmmm... I was afraid of loving but I was never scared to try, but after the wounds and scars, I guess I wouldn't take the chance of getting hurt again! So the answer is? I'll use it again... in God's time.

At Risk

2006-03-31T11:53:00.000-08:00

I never thought of how things will be when we got together. I never thought of what people will think about me when I said yes. The minute you kissed me blew my head away from my body. I didn't think at all... I wasn't guarded by my defense at all.

Yes, that's how you got me. I was caught off guard!

Later on, I realized how big is the trouble I will face sooner or later... but I didn't bother at all... I am happy with you. God knows how... it was a fleeting moment. But when you're not there, I was full of worries, probably because I was guilty of what we have.

Now... what I was fearing for has come... sooner than expected. Am I going to lose you this early? Please... I hope not. Unlike before... you have come and I was unprepared, I know pain is about to shoot me, I took the risk but I didn't protect myself. Now I'm enduring a slow and painful death.

I love you... I don't want it to end!

2006-02-25T13:11:00.000-08:00

I was enjoying the night, trying to forget every frustration I'm having right now, but as I was trying to conceal the pain, a very strong question struck me and made me almost give in to pain.
"When was the last time I cried?" upon hearing that question it made my tears flow from my eyes, the tears that have been wanting to come out, the pain that
I've been enduring for the past few weeks.

Though I know I'll be over this sadness, I am still here at the office, trying to get a glimpse of him. Kelan ba matatapos ang kahibangan ko! Ayoko na, gusto ko na matahimik pero pag alam kong nanjan sia nawawala na ko sa sarili ko!

I just want peace... I so want to divert my attention to something else, but it's hard. Please Lord guide me. It's such a hard time for me.

To my dear angel,

2006-02-22T09:18:00.000-08:00

It was like all hell broke loose that time, I felt so depressed and I've lost my confidence. I could never imagine my life in such despair. I tried to stand up and be strong, but behind closed doors I was a shattered glass. Suddenly, you came and things went different. You were someone I can run to when I was so afraid of what has gone through my life and of what will happen next. You listened to every qualms I had, funny stories, and especially when I cried... you never failed to make me smile.

I thought of you as someone sent to me by God, to help me face my fears and frustrations. Every conversation we've had felt as if I don't have a problem at all. You made me look forward to every single day of my life. Changing one's ways is easier said than done, but it was easier when you're around. Your presence -even if you weren't physically there, made me excited of what's life gotta offer.

For every conversation, you just listened. You never said anything, never gave me solutions or suggestions, but the minute you said "don't worry I'm just here", it felt as if you were carrying me. I know I can't make it on my own, I prayed all day so I can carry on, I explored all avenues to search for answers. Then I realized, I don't need answers at all. Things happen so we'll learn, and sometimes we have to fall on our own sword. I'm glad I learned it from you. You make me smile, and it gives me strength, your sweet voice invigorates my soul. I face every morning thinking I can make it, coz I have my angel with me.

One day, I woke up and you were not there anymore, I thought I'm going to move from pillar to post. To my surprise, I was able to stand. Then I realized, you left me your strength, you left me the sweetness of your voice. Everytime I am troubled or in pain, I can grasp the nettle.

Thank you for being a part of me. For the shortest time, I cherished every wonderful moment we've shared. But I certainly miss you! You have been my one true angel. Wherever you are, I just wish you won't forget me and the things we've shared. I owe you a lot. Truly, angels can be found on Earth and you will remain my angel forever.

CONTEMPLATE

2006-02-20T08:27:00.000-08:00

1.WHAT HAVE YOU BEEN DOING THIS WEEK?
~ work...work...work...work...

2. ARE YOU IN LOVE WITH SOMEONE RIGHTNOW?
~ i'm not sure eh... probably i am in denial! but i have one true love i can never deny!

3. HOW DO YOU FEEL AT THIS MOMENT?
~ empty, barely breathing, incomplete

4. WHAT ARE YOU DOING RIGHT NOW?
~ surfing the net, chat kung meron maka-chat, PEG...

5. WHAT IF YOUR EX ASKED YOU BACK?
~ sigh! i couldn't die the next day... i'll ask him to marry me... hehehe!
6. ARE YOU CRAZY ENOUGH TO DOSOMETHING FOR SOMEONE YOU LOVE?
~ crazy is an understatement!

7. DOES THE PERSON YOU'RE CRAZY ABOUTKNOW HOW YOU FEEL?
~ well yeah... it's just that being INSENSITIVE is his forte...

8. IF YOU WERE TO GO BACK TO THEPAST, WHAT WOULD YOU CHANGE?
~ i wouldn't be too nice... bababa ako dun sa 7-11, coz i had a strong feeling then that he would meet his "other girl", i saw her waiting but i didn't do anything... i was being too nice and trusting.

9. WHAT IF THE PERSON WHOM YOU LOVEHURT YOU RIGHT NOW? WOULD YOU CRY?~ for the past 3 years i was enduring the pain... still, i'm counting.

10. WHAT WOULD YOU DO IF YOU WERETRAPPED IN A ROOM ALONE?
~ pray and wait to die.

11. WHAT'S THE SWEETEST THINGANYONE HAS EVER DONE FOR YOU?
~ 8 mos was worth reliving, i would gladly return to that time over and over again. Sweetest thing was, he brought me to the hospital when i was sick, watched over me for 3 days, no sleep at all.
He was the first guy who had the guts to go to my house and court me. He made my family love him.

12. WHAT CAN MAKE YOU FEELBETTER IF YOU WERE DEPRESSED?
~ work... movies... clubbing...

13. EVER HAD FEELINGS FOR ANYONE?
~ christian...

14. WHAT TYPE OF FRIEND DO YOU LIKE?
~a friend exactly like Tintin...

15. HAVE YOU FOUND THAT TYPE OF PERSON?
~ i'm the luckiest person alive when it comes to friends...

16. WHO WAS THE LAST PERSON TO HUGYOU?OR YOU GAVE A HUG TO? HOW DID IT FEEL?~ christian... it was frustrating!

17. WOULD YOU STILL GIVE A CHANCETO ANY PERSON THAT HAS HURT YOU?
~ i have given him millions of chances...

18.WHERE DO YOU WANNA GO RIGHT NOW?
~ to where my happiness will be be

19. DO YOU HATE SOMEONE RIGHT NOW?
~ no... hatred will make me more miserable...

20. DO YOU GO ONLINE EVERYDAY?
~ yes

21. ARE YOU FEELING HAPPY RIGHT NOW?
~ No!!!

W R E T C H E D

2006-02-12T10:21:00.001-08:00

I wonder if he can feel that I'm hurting?
I wonder if he cares?
Can he see it it in my eyes, I'm full of tears and I'm dying to cry.
I'm so wretched...
I just want this feeling to stop.
I'm all fed up...
I'm all broken inside...
But does he know about that?
He shouldn't have gone anywhere near me...
He knows for a fact that he'll hurt me.
I hate him for that.
But, did i ever show him how I hate him?
No...
I just can't...
I hate him, because I thought I can love him.
But I can't.

H U R T I N G

2006-02-08T12:58:00.000-08:00

It's the middle of the week and we still haven't talk to each other. We don't see each other anymore after work. I keep on convincing myself that this is good and that this is my choice since I know that nothing's gonna happen and I might hurt myself and others as well. But convincing myself ain't no good at all... look at me, I'm stuck here, alone and wishing that at some point he'll go upstairs and visit me at my station.

I saw him last night, but he didn't look at me... it's so painful... twice as much! Yes it's painful already when I found out about his "baggage", it's painful enough that she had to text me and call me a home wrecker (their not even married for crying out loud!), it's painful to realize that every time he's not feeling well i cannot take of him... can you imagine now the pain I'm going through?

To top it all... it's damn, freakin painful to be ignored! I feel like there's this big sign on my forehead saying "Loser", it feels like I'm doomed to fail in every relationship I have.

I miss him!

W O U N D E D

2006-02-07T13:07:00.001-08:00

I can't think clearly now... yes it's really affecting me. I thought it will be okay but it's not. Seeing him alone is killing me. Staying here waiting for nothing is even worst. I looked at the mirror and saw myself in total despair. The pain is killing me and now I am totally shattered. I tried to put back each broken piece, but each piece wounded me. I'm totally lost now... I don't even know what to say.
All I know is I'm in so much pain, but I am trying to keep it. I am ashamed of what I have come to. My decisions in life are somewhat a FAILURE, I am so tired... I just want to stop.

Fighting A Losing Battle

2006-02-03T09:36:00.000-08:00

Haaaaaaay!!! If only I could shout here, kanina ko pa siguro ginawa. Sobrang sama ng loob ko... and I dunno why the hell am I feeling this way towards him. I told myself I should be in control, but it seems like i've fallen from grace again.

I thought I saw him downstairs, just before his shift... he was even wearing this yellow poloshirt that looks good on him, pero ngaun pagbaba ko hindi ko siya makita. I'm torn and pieces of me are scattered. I dunno what I feel... but I know for a fact... nasasaktan ako sa ginagawa nia skin.

I know I should not feel anything deeper for him, coz he'll never be mine. But I enjoyed every second that we're together, I cherished every compliment he gave me, I feel the warmth everytime he holds my hand.

Right now I'm at the office... and i have no one to talk to. I can feel that my heart is about to burst. I've been wanting to talk to him... I wanna know... is it the end for both of us? How can I let myself fall for his trap? Yes... he seems like he can't melt butter in his mouth... pero yun pla he's a dark horse!

Yeah I know we started on the wrong foot... but what can I do now?
It's too late... I fell.

closely attached...

2006-02-01T06:33:00.000-08:00

Take a look... don't we look good together? Oh well... there are times we have to accept the fact that we can't have everything. Even if it's by hook or by crook!

You know how I truly want to have you... yes we are closely attached, that's true.... but we can never be one. I want to love you but under the circumstances, I have to suppress the feeling... surpass the impossible. It is painful... but I am tolerating the pain. For as long as you are close, my heart can also feel you. I will convince myself that I do not love you.

But still... don't we look good together? Just a thought!

SPEAK

2006-02-01T05:54:00.000-08:00

Haaaaaaaaay.... will it be always hard for me to find happiness? I don't know but i feel so damn incomplete! I am really sad... coz I dunno what I need to have just to make me happy. Yeah... recently i've told you how jaded I am right now... I still feel the same way. Yes i know I have to thank our dear Lord of all the blessings I received... actually i'm so thankful, I'm just in the drama mood right now, probably because i'm alone and i've got no one to talk to... which reminds me again of the angel, to whom I've shared all my life's hang ups.

Damn! Is this stress or a sign of aging? Hello?!! I'm just 22 and there are too much worries to deal with. I'm so sick and tired but still I'm fond of living. I need love... I need love... love... love... love!!!

W I N G S

2006-01-31T22:15:00.000-08:00

a girl spoke with an angel,
this girl was lurking behind the shadow of denial,
she was lost, wandering in the stillness of the night.
but she was trying to grasp the light of dear life.
she had a fighting chance to live.
although she tried to walk across the desert,
barefooted and armed with only her mask,

she was struggling to fight the emptiness.
until she came across with an angel...
the angel spoke to her,
and the angel's voice touched her soul.
she was weak and could barely breathe.
she'd been through a lot, you can see that in her eyes
the obstacles of life has encircled her eyes
and yet she never bothered to ask God why.
instead she told the angel how she felt,

she cried and cried which she never did along the way. she remained strong and well-founded,
but not infront of the angel...
the angel's touch healed her deep wounds,
and she thought the angel will cushion her fall
and the angel was just in time.
she was so carefree - the way she made her fall.
she closed her eyes and inhaled the balmy breeze,
only to find out, the angel has lost its wings.

My First Love and the Next

2006-01-26T22:10:00.000-08:00

Okay... so where do I go from here? Actually, I can't pick up the pieces of me, it's all scattered. I tossed myself out into the open ever since Marvin and I broke up 3 or 4 years ago.

Oh well... Marvin Santos... the only guy I truly loved the most... the person who caused me so much pain but I have forgiven for the millionth time. The person who brought me into so much trouble.

Okay, I guess it will be so unfair for him if I put the blame on him... it's just that when we broke up, I was literally lost in translation. I started dating, and found men who were totally wrong for me. My demented reasoning would tell me that it's okay... I'm young and I should meet a lot of people who will help me grow, more choices the better. But through the course of time, you tend to like someone who's either a total asshole or a total asshole... hehehe so I guess I have no choice after all.

For instance, you meet someone who's totally "right for you" and then one evening you'll find out that there are extra baggage ( a kiddo and some girl pretending to be the “wiffy” or maybe she’s not pretending at all) and what's more you become an instant home wrecker! Hah… life isn’t such a bore after all! It’s full of shocking surprises and revelation.

There's more to that... I don't think it can fit the entire blog, but really the pain and the emptiness that I’ve endured for the past years is begging for inebriation so as to forget, damn I so don't need to feel this pain now!

But strange as it may seem, no matter what happened to us, every time I feel down and lost, I turn to him and seek for comfort. Even if he’s not around I just think of him, and surely I’d feel that at some point I found the right person to love. For the past years, he some what became my strength.

Just like what I’m doing now, I’m obviously reliving our good old memories to alleviate the sadness. It’s such a heroic struggle to keep myself together, coz slowly I’m falling apart. Under normal circumstances I will just hang out with my friends, go out and meet another guy probably (and break my heart eventually), or I’ll just laugh out loud with my colleagues, but I’m here all alone at my work station trying to drown myself with work but I don’t have anything to do at this point… hmmm…

So where will this “conversation with myself” lead to? To hell I guess… hah! Oh well… even in this disheveled state, I know that there are lots of things to think about… and such insignificant heart problem won’t affect world peace. Really I dunno… I guess I’ll chill out!

Life... now I am...

2006-01-26T21:10:00.000-08:00

Life is not fair, but life is not fair for everyone, so that makes life fair.

Life's justice causes too much pain.

Pain is weakness leaving the body.

Now I am...

A N N I V E R S A R Y

2005-12-28T09:55:00.000-08:00

It is only midnight,
but sleep has already bid me goodbye
the time has come...
it's been a year...
a year of shadow and emptiness.
I embrace this day,
for this day I triumphed,
over the battle that seems endless.
the battle of pain over happiness,
the battle I had been through
from the moment I lost you.
It's been a year...
since the monster has left me,
encased me in this crystal,
secluded from the bliss of life.
but i was able to breakout,
set my soul free,
but my heart is still holding on to you.
You were the monster,
that captured my life,
jailed it inside your heart,
and left it fragile,
and helplessly breathing.
But now it's been a year...
I slowly rise from my deathbed,
stronger and will not break,
with a single gust of wind.
my soul will not fall,
but my heart has already fallen.
I have won the battle of pain.
but the warfare of love has still kept me in
and only one solitary thought
has kept me breating...
that is kissing the monster
which made my soul,
never quit smiling.
Today is the death anniversary,
of the lingering pain.
the anniversary of us breaking apart.
the anniversary of me breaking out.
breaking out of this solitude,
breaking out of this agony,
breaking out of the darkness.
the anniversary of me finding...
the light of love...
from a MONSTER!

***written 09/21/03 =(