Numb

I am a person run by my emotions rather than my brain.
I never expected it would all come to this.
I do not feel anything at all.
Has it really been a numbing pain and sadness?
Has it been ecstasy and negligence?
Or did I just grow tired of feeling?

Now, all it is to me is that ­­- we live, we die,
And the wheels of the bus go round and round.
I am the passenger, stupefied behind the clear window pane.

I keep myself awake. I keep my eyes open.
I want to see the life in my dreams,
But there... where it is supposed to be...
The life of my reality.
I want to close my eyes, hold my breath and jump in,
But will there be a soft cushion to catch me?
I guess I don't need any catching,
I've grown out of the pain that shall come against me.

I thought not hurting can be so liberating.
It is not.
It is freezing. It is cold. I am dead.
My heart...still sore.
Joy hid itself some place I can't walk by.
Fear fled, scattered like a whore.
And my passion ran out of flame as I smoke my last cigar.

I want to close my eyes and jump off.
I want to close my eyes
And let the waters take me to the stream of hope.
And if I am dead,
I want my feelings all kept to myself.
I will hide it away with all the words left unspoken,
With all the things left undone between us.
And in my death,
I want my eyes close and my heart open.