Thoughts in the Gas Chamber

Lately i enjoy smoking alone, observing people in the smoking area while all of us in that room have one common thought unconsciously running in our heads - to slowly kill ourselves with the comfort of the mentholated smoke that seeps down through our veins. Surprisingly, that small gas chamber of ours has been a tunnel of light for me coz that is where I ponder about my life and its perplexities. Along with the smoke, I look at it and try to figure out where the smoke and my life is headed to. Will it be just like the smoke, vanish and quickly pass out of sight? Or will it leave a stain, just as how nicotine would eventually stick to my fingernails. What an ugly sight! Maybe I really have to stop smoking... spare me the thought! =)

At some point I'd say, I am lost. Well I guess everyone thinks that way, so I guess I'm not alone. We are wandering souls. That fact is a comforting thought.

I guess I am a little frustrated. Yeah... guess... guess... guess... like I said, lost and uncertain. I just thought I had myself made. I thought I had me all figured out. I have a year projection of my life. I even made a feasibility study of myself to see how efficient and productive my existence will be. I know I have mastered how I will live my life and it was well planned out. Only to realize that changes happen, and that includes my current disposition in life.

It's funny coz the more I reflect, the more I think, the more I put focus on where my direction should be, the road gets narrower and the trail gets fainter. It feels like, the things I have known about, all the self-help books, the poetries, the quotes, the lessons learned... they all seem to float in my thoughts and in my dreams. And when I stop thinking, the unknown scares me.

And I know I am a smart woman - I hate to brag but I know this by heart =). But I guess no matter how clever you are, it's hard to cheat life. I can never run away and pretend I am okay. I guess I am good in convincing others that the smile is genuine, the laughter is heart-felt. In reality, everything is another face in a forlorn phase of my existence.

***Yuck emo! =) It's a well deserved emo moment. Errr...
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