I have always believed that Happiness is a Choice. It is a mindset I have lived by through the years, until one day a friend challenged this thought.
She said, if it is a choice then does that mean if we do not get what we want, if we find ourselves failing should we still choose to say we are happy? Isn't that mindset kind of a lie to oneself? We constantly tell ourselves we're happy with life when in truth, we just aren't? It really got me thinking....
It has been a while since that talk happened, yet for the last couple of months I have tried to understand what really makes us happy. What will make me happy?
It occurred to me that most of us define happiness based on conformity. We conform with society's definition of happiness: status symbol, vanity, reputation, acceptance, career, money - all of which are superficial.
If you think about it, we are still making a choice. We have conditioned ourselves to be happy if all these are achieved. But what if we turn things around? Why not be happy not with what we want, not with what society or media tells us. Just be happy, and find joy from within?
I have wanted and wanted more from life, people, things that I just can't have. It has led me to do things that I regret doing. I have gotten a piece of happiness, but at what expense? Pain and guilt. My "so called happiness" never really lasted a while.
Sometimes, we need to be responsible adults, and learn to sacrifice what we want so we can do what is right.
It gives us peace, a clearer perspective. And as we look at the horizon, then we can see the true and lasting joy we have all been searching for.
When I learned to let go of all these "wants", then I realized, I have everything I need.
My body, nourished. My soul, with strong faith. My heart, full of love.
It is beyond the tangible things, it is more than what meets the eyes.
It is you, knowing what's within. Your self-awareness.
I wish you find real joy, the true meaning of your own happiness.
As for me... I already did. :)
.
Tuesday, August 23
Wednesday, June 9
Lessons Learned from the People I love in Teletech (I will miss you all!)
I'd take this opportunity to show my appreciation to the people I have found, to those whom I have held a great relationship with while working here in Teletech. Thank you is never enough in exchange for all the valuable lessons learned.
So, in parting, let me pass on the things I have acquired from the people I have loved dearly here in Teletech: my colleagues, my friends and my trainees... here are the things I have unraveled
and realized during my journey here with all of you.
Here it goes:
- Seek for your real gift and hone it, and if you are getting good at something else, you still have to come back and use your gift. You do who you are, not you are what you do. Never take your gift for granted, coz if you do, you betray it. You betray yourself. So dig deep, find that innate gift of yours and be confident enough to use it.
- Never be afraid of failure, of rejection, or mistakes. It is a reality of life. You really can't recognize the right one unless you get to know the wrong ones. Do not limit yourselves once you fail. It doesn't mean it is not for you. That's bullshit you know. Maybe it's not the right time, maybe you don't have enough power or skill, maybe you don't have enough knowledge as of yet, but never think that it is not meant for you. You try again, if it doesn't work, you wait and while you're at it, make good use of yourselves. Learn a new skill; increase your power by learning. Our mind is like a muscle. You have to work it out. A new information, gives you a new choice. A new idea gives you a new muscle, and those muscles will arm you towards success. If all these won’t work then you start praying, and pray harder.
- Positive is good, but reality bites, so be ready for anything that could hurt. Never let the pain put you down, chain you on a pole. Abraham Lincoln once said, "Once you familiarize yourself from the chain of bondage, you are preparing your limbs to wear them."
Trust me, you don't want to wear chains all your life, it's certainly not fashionable!
- Dreams are good. Dream big, so they say. However, dreams are for those who sleep a lot. Dreams happen and materialize when we are asleep. You have to make it real. So wake up and act it out. Make your dreams your goal, and do something to achieve it. You do, you fail, you learn, you win. Whatever the outcome is, you have to be awake to make it happen. Win, lose or try again... that is the essence of living. Live and keep yourself up to make your dreams come true.
- Love… a word difficult to define, it’s a breath a fresh air, but somehow it gives your heart a constricted feeling. Love is like wind, you can see it but you feel it. I don’t mean to sound like a hopeless romantic, but indeed I am. Really, I tried to make myself sound logical in explaining this, but I guess I have to quit trying. After all the thought and over-thought, after defining and redefining, I have obtained this fact: Beneath all of the pain, there exists an unbroken place where boundless joy is possible and all wounds heal. Love is a safe place to rest a heart and soul. Love is common to all of us, and yet, it is impossible to explain. Love is our intangible and inexplicable common denominator.
- Laugh. That, I must say, is the best of it all. Laughter is the shock absorber that eases the blows of life. It is the spark of our spirit. And as for me, if I ever stop laughing, I guess I am dead. Laugh as much as you breathe and love as long as you live.
With immense pain and pleasure, I cherish every step of the way I took in this company, and indeed the people around me enriched my lost soul. But now I believe I am somewhat equipped to take on a new chapter, it's time to improve my life. I am praying that I have chosen the right path. I am taking the risk.
Thank you for giving me the chance to learn all of this.
Thank you for making me see how it is to truly live.
Thank you for loving me and for making me love.
Thank you for making me laugh and for laughing with me.
Our lives have crossed paths and for sure it will happen again sometime. Again, thank you for a year and a half well lived and spent here in Teletech. I will miss you guys. See you around.
Learn. Live. Love. Laugh.
So, in parting, let me pass on the things I have acquired from the people I have loved dearly here in Teletech: my colleagues, my friends and my trainees... here are the things I have unraveled
and realized during my journey here with all of you.
Here it goes:
- Seek for your real gift and hone it, and if you are getting good at something else, you still have to come back and use your gift. You do who you are, not you are what you do. Never take your gift for granted, coz if you do, you betray it. You betray yourself. So dig deep, find that innate gift of yours and be confident enough to use it.
- Never be afraid of failure, of rejection, or mistakes. It is a reality of life. You really can't recognize the right one unless you get to know the wrong ones. Do not limit yourselves once you fail. It doesn't mean it is not for you. That's bullshit you know. Maybe it's not the right time, maybe you don't have enough power or skill, maybe you don't have enough knowledge as of yet, but never think that it is not meant for you. You try again, if it doesn't work, you wait and while you're at it, make good use of yourselves. Learn a new skill; increase your power by learning. Our mind is like a muscle. You have to work it out. A new information, gives you a new choice. A new idea gives you a new muscle, and those muscles will arm you towards success. If all these won’t work then you start praying, and pray harder.
- Positive is good, but reality bites, so be ready for anything that could hurt. Never let the pain put you down, chain you on a pole. Abraham Lincoln once said, "Once you familiarize yourself from the chain of bondage, you are preparing your limbs to wear them."
Trust me, you don't want to wear chains all your life, it's certainly not fashionable!
- Dreams are good. Dream big, so they say. However, dreams are for those who sleep a lot. Dreams happen and materialize when we are asleep. You have to make it real. So wake up and act it out. Make your dreams your goal, and do something to achieve it. You do, you fail, you learn, you win. Whatever the outcome is, you have to be awake to make it happen. Win, lose or try again... that is the essence of living. Live and keep yourself up to make your dreams come true.
- Love… a word difficult to define, it’s a breath a fresh air, but somehow it gives your heart a constricted feeling. Love is like wind, you can see it but you feel it. I don’t mean to sound like a hopeless romantic, but indeed I am. Really, I tried to make myself sound logical in explaining this, but I guess I have to quit trying. After all the thought and over-thought, after defining and redefining, I have obtained this fact: Beneath all of the pain, there exists an unbroken place where boundless joy is possible and all wounds heal. Love is a safe place to rest a heart and soul. Love is common to all of us, and yet, it is impossible to explain. Love is our intangible and inexplicable common denominator.
- Laugh. That, I must say, is the best of it all. Laughter is the shock absorber that eases the blows of life. It is the spark of our spirit. And as for me, if I ever stop laughing, I guess I am dead. Laugh as much as you breathe and love as long as you live.
With immense pain and pleasure, I cherish every step of the way I took in this company, and indeed the people around me enriched my lost soul. But now I believe I am somewhat equipped to take on a new chapter, it's time to improve my life. I am praying that I have chosen the right path. I am taking the risk.
Thank you for giving me the chance to learn all of this.
Thank you for making me see how it is to truly live.
Thank you for loving me and for making me love.
Thank you for making me laugh and for laughing with me.
Our lives have crossed paths and for sure it will happen again sometime. Again, thank you for a year and a half well lived and spent here in Teletech. I will miss you guys. See you around.
Learn. Live. Love. Laugh.
Thursday, June 3
Fracture
Do you dare to stay out?
Do you dare to go in?
How much can you lose?
How much can you win?
And if you go in,
Should you turn left or right?
Or right and three quarters?
Or maybe not quite?
You can get so confused,
That you'll start in to race...
Down long wiggled roads
At a neck-breaking pace,
And grind for miles
Across weirdish wild place.
Headed I fear,
To a most useless place...
The waiting place.
For people just waiting.
Waiting for the train to go,
Or the bus to come.
Waiting for the plane to go,
Or the mail to come.
Or the rain to go,
Or the phone to ring,
Or for the snow to snow,
Or waiting around for a yes or no,
Or a string of pearls,
Or a pair of pants,
Or a wig with curls,
Or another chance.
- from "Oh, the Places You'll Go!" by Dr. Seuss
Do you dare to go in?
How much can you lose?
How much can you win?
And if you go in,
Should you turn left or right?
Or right and three quarters?
Or maybe not quite?
You can get so confused,
That you'll start in to race...
Down long wiggled roads
At a neck-breaking pace,
And grind for miles
Across weirdish wild place.
Headed I fear,
To a most useless place...
The waiting place.
For people just waiting.
Waiting for the train to go,
Or the bus to come.
Waiting for the plane to go,
Or the mail to come.
Or the rain to go,
Or the phone to ring,
Or for the snow to snow,
Or waiting around for a yes or no,
Or a string of pearls,
Or a pair of pants,
Or a wig with curls,
Or another chance.
- from "Oh, the Places You'll Go!" by Dr. Seuss
Tuesday, June 1
Numb
I am a person run by my emotions rather than my brain.
I never expected it would all come to this.
I do not feel anything at all.
Has it really been a numbing pain and sadness?
Has it been ecstasy and negligence?
Or did I just grow tired of feeling?
Now, all it is to me is that - we live, we die,
And the wheels of the bus go round and round.
I am the passenger, stupefied behind the clear window pane.
I keep myself awake. I keep my eyes open.
I want to see the life in my dreams,
But there... where it is supposed to be...
The life of my reality.
I want to close my eyes, hold my breath and jump in,
But will there be a soft cushion to catch me?
I guess I don't need any catching,
I've grown out of the pain that shall come against me.
I thought not hurting can be so liberating.
It is not.
It is freezing. It is cold. I am dead.
My heart...still sore.
Joy hid itself some place I can't walk by.
Fear fled, scattered like a whore.
And my passion ran out of flame as I smoke my last cigar.
I want to close my eyes and jump off.
I want to close my eyes
And let the waters take me to the stream of hope.
And if I am dead,
I want my feelings all kept to myself.
I will hide it away with all the words left unspoken,
With all the things left undone between us.
And in my death,
I want my eyes close and my heart open.
I never expected it would all come to this.
I do not feel anything at all.
Has it really been a numbing pain and sadness?
Has it been ecstasy and negligence?
Or did I just grow tired of feeling?
Now, all it is to me is that - we live, we die,
And the wheels of the bus go round and round.
I am the passenger, stupefied behind the clear window pane.
I keep myself awake. I keep my eyes open.
I want to see the life in my dreams,
But there... where it is supposed to be...
The life of my reality.
I want to close my eyes, hold my breath and jump in,
But will there be a soft cushion to catch me?
I guess I don't need any catching,
I've grown out of the pain that shall come against me.
I thought not hurting can be so liberating.
It is not.
It is freezing. It is cold. I am dead.
My heart...still sore.
Joy hid itself some place I can't walk by.
Fear fled, scattered like a whore.
And my passion ran out of flame as I smoke my last cigar.
I want to close my eyes and jump off.
I want to close my eyes
And let the waters take me to the stream of hope.
And if I am dead,
I want my feelings all kept to myself.
I will hide it away with all the words left unspoken,
With all the things left undone between us.
And in my death,
I want my eyes close and my heart open.
Thursday, May 27
For Mommy Sheila and I bet everyone she has touched would agree with me....
Hi mommy shiela,
I feel so bad I didn't have the chance to say goodbye or see you soon, but this letter isn't really about goodbye's. It's more of letting you know how much I appreciate you and making you aware how big of a blessing you are to me.
I normally don't meet someone as unique as you are, seemingly perfect... I always tease you about "you and your perfect life", and it's something you should be really thankful for. I thank God for making me meet someone who might seem a little crazy on the outside but very inspiring as I dig deep in the inside. I know you go through a lot too, and I know you've been through tough times. I am happy I have met you at your most stable state of mind. Hehehe... it would've been chaotic if we talked at the time you were as deranged as I am. =)
Seriously mommy sheila, if there is a greater word than thank you, I would've used it now. You, among all the friends I have gave me the sanest advice ever. Advice, that normally I wouldn't really want to hear because it is right and non-conforming to our twisted standards. Even if it was against the flow, I really appreciate it because you gave me a different picture of how I want to view my life. You have that gift. You are so fortunate to be so courageous to be right and make me... us... realize that there are things we do wrong and we have to stick to what we really have.
I admire you for being right, at the same time not judgemental. You know I haven't been the most behaved girl in town. I bet you'd say that I could be the most mentally ill-functioning person you've ever met, but you loved me and you took care of me under your motherly wings. You were just there, listening to every twisted thought I had and you never told me that I'd go to hell, or I deserve every piece of crap I am experiencing.
You were just there to listen and told me what is right, without forcing it on me. I admire you because you see things differently, and I thought I was positive enough, but no... you are the epitome of positive. Sometimes I thought, you are the one who's living in a fantasy. Sometimes I thought, you have your own fantasyland. But I figured, you made it possible for you because you are strong. It must take a lot to be at that state of mind. I hope, I'd meet even half of that disposition of yours. I hope I'm not yet a lunatic by then... well I guess I'm inborn crazy, but still... I thank you for being my mommy sheila. You are just the right person I needed to talk to especially when I don't have any sane person to speak with. You know I'm surrounded by a bunch of freaks. =)
I am lucky to have you singled out at your most lucid moments... hehehe, coz I know deep down you're as crazy as I am too. Thank you for being sane for me, at the time I needed it most.
If there's one thing I learned from you, and will stay on with me for the rest of my life, that would be to count the positive things that happen in my life. Cliche as it may seem, but you are the only living person I know who lived this rule by heart.
I love you mommy sheila, I'll see you soon. Keep in touch.
I feel so bad I didn't have the chance to say goodbye or see you soon, but this letter isn't really about goodbye's. It's more of letting you know how much I appreciate you and making you aware how big of a blessing you are to me.
I normally don't meet someone as unique as you are, seemingly perfect... I always tease you about "you and your perfect life", and it's something you should be really thankful for. I thank God for making me meet someone who might seem a little crazy on the outside but very inspiring as I dig deep in the inside. I know you go through a lot too, and I know you've been through tough times. I am happy I have met you at your most stable state of mind. Hehehe... it would've been chaotic if we talked at the time you were as deranged as I am. =)
Seriously mommy sheila, if there is a greater word than thank you, I would've used it now. You, among all the friends I have gave me the sanest advice ever. Advice, that normally I wouldn't really want to hear because it is right and non-conforming to our twisted standards. Even if it was against the flow, I really appreciate it because you gave me a different picture of how I want to view my life. You have that gift. You are so fortunate to be so courageous to be right and make me... us... realize that there are things we do wrong and we have to stick to what we really have.
I admire you for being right, at the same time not judgemental. You know I haven't been the most behaved girl in town. I bet you'd say that I could be the most mentally ill-functioning person you've ever met, but you loved me and you took care of me under your motherly wings. You were just there, listening to every twisted thought I had and you never told me that I'd go to hell, or I deserve every piece of crap I am experiencing.
You were just there to listen and told me what is right, without forcing it on me. I admire you because you see things differently, and I thought I was positive enough, but no... you are the epitome of positive. Sometimes I thought, you are the one who's living in a fantasy. Sometimes I thought, you have your own fantasyland. But I figured, you made it possible for you because you are strong. It must take a lot to be at that state of mind. I hope, I'd meet even half of that disposition of yours. I hope I'm not yet a lunatic by then... well I guess I'm inborn crazy, but still... I thank you for being my mommy sheila. You are just the right person I needed to talk to especially when I don't have any sane person to speak with. You know I'm surrounded by a bunch of freaks. =)
I am lucky to have you singled out at your most lucid moments... hehehe, coz I know deep down you're as crazy as I am too. Thank you for being sane for me, at the time I needed it most.
If there's one thing I learned from you, and will stay on with me for the rest of my life, that would be to count the positive things that happen in my life. Cliche as it may seem, but you are the only living person I know who lived this rule by heart.
I love you mommy sheila, I'll see you soon. Keep in touch.
Monday, May 24
Mirror in Your Eyes
I keep on dying again.
I am not sure if I'm changing or if I am fading away.
I need to find my soul a home.
I keep on dancing in my dreams,
Dancing until I am almost at the edge of a cliff.
The wind blew against my face,
My hair free flowing, as you touch my skin.
My hands reaching at the stars out of reach.
A foot of mine, suspended on air
Ready to fall, ready to fail.
At the cost of your love, was I not brave?
I say, I don't want to dream any longer.
I will runaway from sleep.
I say, I am willing to take a leap.
I want to live a real life.
In time, I don't have to remind myself, I have to breathe.
And so I keep on dying because I love to live.
I had it great and perfect for a while.
And I want it to remain to last for a lifetime.
If by chance I find you again, it will be beautiful.
I need to see those eyes one more time,
Because in those eyes I caught a glimpse of my future.
I noticed just when the light was right,
It reminded me twice that I was alive.
It reminded me it was so worth the fight.
I am not sure if I'm changing or if I am fading away.
I need to find my soul a home.
I keep on dancing in my dreams,
Dancing until I am almost at the edge of a cliff.
The wind blew against my face,
My hair free flowing, as you touch my skin.
My hands reaching at the stars out of reach.
A foot of mine, suspended on air
Ready to fall, ready to fail.
At the cost of your love, was I not brave?
I say, I don't want to dream any longer.
I will runaway from sleep.
I say, I am willing to take a leap.
I want to live a real life.
In time, I don't have to remind myself, I have to breathe.
And so I keep on dying because I love to live.
I had it great and perfect for a while.
And I want it to remain to last for a lifetime.
If by chance I find you again, it will be beautiful.
I need to see those eyes one more time,
Because in those eyes I caught a glimpse of my future.
I noticed just when the light was right,
It reminded me twice that I was alive.
It reminded me it was so worth the fight.
Thursday, May 20
Thoughts in the Gas Chamber
Lately i enjoy smoking alone, observing people in the smoking area while all of us in that room have one common thought unconsciously running in our heads - to slowly kill ourselves with the comfort of the mentholated smoke that seeps down through our veins. Surprisingly, that small gas chamber of ours has been a tunnel of light for me coz that is where I ponder about my life and its perplexities. Along with the smoke, I look at it and try to figure out where the smoke and my life is headed to. Will it be just like the smoke, vanish and quickly pass out of sight? Or will it leave a stain, just as how nicotine would eventually stick to my fingernails. What an ugly sight! Maybe I really have to stop smoking... spare me the thought! =)
At some point I'd say, I am lost. Well I guess everyone thinks that way, so I guess I'm not alone. We are wandering souls. That fact is a comforting thought.
I guess I am a little frustrated. Yeah... guess... guess... guess... like I said, lost and uncertain. I just thought I had myself made. I thought I had me all figured out. I have a year projection of my life. I even made a feasibility study of myself to see how efficient and productive my existence will be. I know I have mastered how I will live my life and it was well planned out. Only to realize that changes happen, and that includes my current disposition in life.
It's funny coz the more I reflect, the more I think, the more I put focus on where my direction should be, the road gets narrower and the trail gets fainter. It feels like, the things I have known about, all the self-help books, the poetries, the quotes, the lessons learned... they all seem to float in my thoughts and in my dreams. And when I stop thinking, the unknown scares me.
And I know I am a smart woman - I hate to brag but I know this by heart =). But I guess no matter how clever you are, it's hard to cheat life. I can never run away and pretend I am okay. I guess I am good in convincing others that the smile is genuine, the laughter is heart-felt. In reality, everything is another face in a forlorn phase of my existence.
***Yuck emo! =) It's a well deserved emo moment. Errr...
.
At some point I'd say, I am lost. Well I guess everyone thinks that way, so I guess I'm not alone. We are wandering souls. That fact is a comforting thought.
I guess I am a little frustrated. Yeah... guess... guess... guess... like I said, lost and uncertain. I just thought I had myself made. I thought I had me all figured out. I have a year projection of my life. I even made a feasibility study of myself to see how efficient and productive my existence will be. I know I have mastered how I will live my life and it was well planned out. Only to realize that changes happen, and that includes my current disposition in life.
It's funny coz the more I reflect, the more I think, the more I put focus on where my direction should be, the road gets narrower and the trail gets fainter. It feels like, the things I have known about, all the self-help books, the poetries, the quotes, the lessons learned... they all seem to float in my thoughts and in my dreams. And when I stop thinking, the unknown scares me.
And I know I am a smart woman - I hate to brag but I know this by heart =). But I guess no matter how clever you are, it's hard to cheat life. I can never run away and pretend I am okay. I guess I am good in convincing others that the smile is genuine, the laughter is heart-felt. In reality, everything is another face in a forlorn phase of my existence.
***Yuck emo! =) It's a well deserved emo moment. Errr...
.
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